Santa Claus: Back From The Dead

SintIn Holland, Santa Claus is called Sint, short for Sinterklass, and he’s a church bishop. Sint doesn’t have elves, but rather an assistant named Zwarte Piet, which translated is Black Pete. Sint rides a horse instead of a sled pulled by flying reindeer. Holland’s Christmas falls on December 5th. All of this is totally messed up. No wonder Holland is a Third World country.

They have a chance to change all that with the release of Sint, a holiday horror movie that turns the good-hearted children’s friend into a Middle Ages undead, bloodthirsty killer who roams the Amsterdam countryside, stealing (in Holland the call it “plundering”), raping (not cool, Sinterklass) and slaughtering as many kids as he can. But Sint only goes medieval if there’s a full moon on December 5th. Knowing that, you’d think Hollandians would get the Hell outta Dodgenfraun on that date.

SintFed up with Sint’s reign of not coolness, the villagers sidestep normal legal channels and kill Sint and his gang of merry men, and set his boat on fire. Before he dies, Sint, of course, vows revenge. So every December 5th during a full moon (which takes place once every 36 years – I looked it up), St. Niklas and his undead goon squad come back and pick up where they left off (see “murder, plunder, rape, no presents”)

Here’s where it gets even better. Jump to modern times (not quite yesterday and not quite tomorrow) and some teen boys are out in the late night snow, probably drinking Ichabod Pumpkin Ale and using swear words. Sint and his gang appear and kill all of them except one kid named Frank. The cops think Frank killed his friends as they are future people and don’t believe in all that Sint horsen poopen.

During Frank’s ride to jail in the back of a cop car, Sint is spotted on top of the Amsterdam canal houses, riding his demon horse. The horse is white, though you’d think it’d be black as it is an evil pony. The cops give chase and screw up, as Frank escapes and Sint gets away. Frank later teams up with a suspended detective who also believed in the Sint legend, and the two set out to stop this holiday horror rodeo.

In Holland, kids leave their clog outside on Pakjesavond night, in hopes that Sinterklass will leave presents in them. Sure, they’ll have an undead, revenge-seeking bishop who rapes and pillages, but they don’t have Christmas trees to put gifts under. Man, that is SO messed up.

Sint

 

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