I Saw 3D

Saw 3DI always get so giddy when a new Saw movie comes out. Something about the begging screams, flesh splitting like hot pineapple, and those wicked traps… Christmas should be so rewarding.

Saw 3D, supposedly the final installment in the mega-profitable franchise, still delivers the goods, but left me scratching the part of my noggin my homemade Saw head trap didn’t cover.

The confusing part began with the very first scene, with two guys locked into a buzz saw contraption while the girl they romantically felt up, dangled overhead. This was done in a glass store front, where shoppers and YouTube’rs alike could watch the action go down. Seemed to me highly unrealistic to set up a Saw trap there instead of the normal dirty warehouse. Just the logistics alone make it astronomically improbable, and therefore unbelievable. The rest I had no problem with.

From there the plot hits the gas and doesn’t stop for pedestrians, racing through a pile of unresolved issues. Of the remaining traps, though, only two are worthy of Saw’s legacy. The rest seemed kinda “meh” and uninspired. (A simple hanging, a basic eye-gouging and an all-purpose flesh-roasting, which we already saw in Saw II, 2005).

Saw 3D The plot’s been streamlined, having Hoffman, Jigsaw’s cop-turned disciple, going after the mastermind’s wife, for double-crossing him and putting into his face into one of the traps. He gets out, but not without ripping through his cheek from grin to ear. Hoffman proves to be a worthy mastermind himself, easily outsmarting the police to get to the hot widow, even through a barricade of protective custody. (There are more neck stabs in two minutes than in any South of the Border social club.)

A guy who pretended to be one of Jigsaw’s captives, is making a fortune from the talk show circuit and book sales. Time to get Jiggy wid’ him. There are a painful series of tasks for him to complete before he can free his wife from the rotisserie. Lucky for us, he fails at all of them.

The money shot, though, is the return of Doctor Gordon, who we saw saw (heh) his foot off in the original movie back in 2003. (I just love saying “saw.”) Even though he was only in one flick, turns out he’s been with us all along. That in itself begs more scratching, but it was a nice way to tie the loose ends. As with all Saw movies, they gang-rush the story line in the last several minutes, so if you blink, you’re gonna get lost.

Saw 3DAnd the 3D? Certainly, severed bodies, torn limbs and exploding facial expressions benefit from such technology. But for the extra price, I could’ve done with out it. Mostly because I kept trying to wipe Jigsaw’s wife’s face off my own, only to find there was nothing on there except a little spit and hot dog mustard.

I can see where the critics are gonna saw this one a new A-hole, what with the formulaic plot, flat characters (except Hoffman, that guy’s a peach) and the lackluster traps. And truthfully, even with the novelty of being shown in three dimensions, Saw 3D is the weakest of the bunch. But any day with a new Saw movie is a good day.

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