Archive for September, 2010

Zombie Roadkill

Posted in Zombies with tags on September 18, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie RoadkillZombie movies have become the karaoke of horror. Everybody’s doing it, some good, some OK, some face-pinchingly bad. And the genre is getting harder to kill than the zombies themselves. We can blame karaoke on Japan. But we have no one but ourselves to blame for the unstoppable flood of the undead. (Don’t include me, though – I’m into more believable stuff like giant monsters and UFOs.)

So now comes Zombie Roadkill, a original six episode series premiering October 4, 2010 on Fearnet On Demand. Why should you watch it even though we’re all choking on zombies right now? Because this one’s different – and, judging by the trailer [click HERE] pretty dang funny.

There’s a stretch of highway that’s seemingly cursed. (I bet it was made from the Asphalt of the Damned.) Whenever you run over an animal on this particular road, it comes back to life as a flesh-eating zombie version of itself, squashed parts and all. So there’s plenty of room for creativity here: zombie raccoon, zombie rabbit, zombie rattlesnake, zombie woodchuck, zombie komodo dragon… Hey, that last one could happen, man. So now all you need is some dumbass college kids on a road trip and the thing practically writes itself.

Zombie RoadkillBesides flattened woodland creatures, Zombie Roadkill also stars Thomas Hayden Church. (Three names, each better than the one before it.) He plays a Park Ranger who comes to the rescue of the kids who speed bump a squirrel while trying to figure out where the heck they are on that winding road in the middle of a National Park. Fur is about to hit the fan as the once cute tree dweller, now reanimated, is out for revenge, blood, skin, internal organs, fingers, and a few nuts to store away for the winter.

Zombie Roadkill runs about 5 minutes per episode. This is actually good as the punch line is as thin as a zombie supermodel. Why beat a dead horse? It’ll only come back to bite you in the ass.

Devil: Love In An Elevator

Posted in Evil with tags on September 17, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

DevilOne sure-fire way to tell if Satan is hanging around is when you drop your toast and it lands jelly-face down on the floor. Other tell-tale signs include people jumping from the 35th floor and kissing a truck really hard, and people stuck in elevators who seem hell bent on killing each other under extreme claustrophobic stress. But mostly the jelly toast thing. So much so, if you’re making toast and/or a sandwich and you lose control over the situation and it decorates the floor, best to grab some Rosary beads and cram ’em in the first available God-less hole.

The toast/jelly thing is actually invoked in Devil, a taut, suspenseful horror drama that puts five people in a stuck elevator and summons forth the title character to bring out their not-so-good sides. In a Philadelphia skyscraper with the address of 333 (groan), five people – an old lady, a young hottie, a quick-tempered security guard, an Afghan war vet and a mattress salesman – are stuck in an elevator around the 21st floor area. Any attempts to free the darn thing ends in your freshness-expired date being put to the test.

Devil Each of the five has a sordid past that has nothing to do with each other. The building security can see them on the ele-cam (my word, not theirs) and can talk to them. Unfortunately, it’s a one-way conversation as the damned passengers can’t be heard talking back. After the lights flicker and someone turns up with a shard of glass in the neck (busted mirror, which was thoughtfully provided by the manufacturers for personal touch-ups and the smoothing of hair), the cops are called in. And here’s where the mostly dialogue-driven plot pushes all the buttons.

The head detective (the best character in the bunch) comes to the table with his own loss of faith. Five years ago his wife and young son were killed by a hit-and-run driver who left a note saying he was sorry. The cop went on a six-month drinking binge (he should’a called – I’m down for a little of that), and no longer believes in God or the Devil. Funny, then, how a religiously superstitious Latino security guard is quick to point out that everything that’s happening is the fault of the Devil and that he knows what the outcome will be. Let’s just say it’s an express ride to HECK.

Devil The lights go out and the body count rises, all in front of the detective’s disbelieving eyes. Meanwhile, the cops and fire department have swarmed the building and are trying to cut through a wall to get whoever’s still standing. Not an easy task as the Devil keeps thwarting their rescue attempts.

Not a lot of blood, very little in the way of special effects and no goofy depiction of the Devil, just pure tension and tight dialogue. This thing comes to a nice boil at the end, bringing with it an unseen twist. And it didn’t involve jelly.

Hellish Elevators Of course, there’ve been other hellish elevator movies, beginning with the made-for-TV horror flick, Der Lift (1972), a German a tear-jerker of a story involving an elevator becoming evil by way of a microchip. Then there was De Lift (1983), a Dutch tear-jerker of a story involving an elevator becoming evil by way of a microchip. Then there was The Shaft (2001), an American a tear-jerker of a story involving an elevator becoming evil by way of a microchip. Then there was Hellavator (2004) a Japanese a tear-jerker of a story involving massive elevators that take future people to and from sprawling floors that are as big as cities. A psychic chick learns that there are two serial killers on the elevator that she and others are trapped on/in, and madcap adventures ensue.

Out of all of them Devil is the best “trapped in an elevator” horror movie. Thankfully, they don’t get too religious preachy, concentrating rather on the ramifications of one’s lies and sins. (Wouldn’t work on me – I’m guilt-free.)

I’m surprised more Christian pamphlets don’t use more elevators as spiritual metaphors. You could make the top floor Heaven and the bottom floor Hell and your faith represented by the floors in-between. Your choices in life dictate which button you push. Then you could have a demon elevator operator with flames and black stinky stuff leaking out of his orifices and… Sorry – I almost wrote a sermon just now.

Godzilla’s Godfather

Posted in Giant Monsters with tags on September 16, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Fog HornYou probably knew that Gojira (aka, Godzilla) was inspired by King Kong, a 1933 movie featuring a giant gorilla of all things. The world’s most famous poop-flinger not only broke New York, but broke box office records for its time. ($150 smackers, which in today’s money is $117 million.)

But did you know The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953) was equally as inspirational to the Japanese who combined the mammoth monkey and the early ’50s monster from the ocean depths to create Godzilla, pop culture’s most enduring icons? True that.

If you said yes to both, quit reading over my shoulder. Gojira’s original working title was The Giant Monster From 20,000 Miles Beneath the Sea. Yeah, the Japanese basically stole The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms and made it their own. I’ll overlook it this time, just because the end result was cooler than the movie they plagiarized.

The Fog HornThe Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, however, was inspired by the famous Ray Bradbury story that, according to the “internet”, was originally published in the Saturday Evening Post under the title, Monster From Beneath The Sea. Movie producers saw box office gold in a prehistoric creature gettin’ busy with a lighthouse, bought the rights and re-titled it The Fog Horn. They even had Ray Harryhausen, stop-motion pioneer, design the monster based on the Post’s illustration. A lot of “borrowing” going around back then. (Today we call it RIPPING OFF.)

The story, by the way, is about a giant sea creature who mistakes the fog horn as a hot chick yappin’ or something, and annually comes to grope it. Love turns to hate when the lighthouse keeper turns off the horn and the monster, thinking he was rejected, goes aggro on the structure. And here’s where I tie everything together…

In 2007, Japanese filmmaker Daisuke Sato made a 20-minute film of Ray’s story. Face slappingly, it has never been released. Why go to all that trouble of finding a prehistoric sea monster who was willing to work for scale, film everything to look ’50s retro, and then not put it out? Sometimes I just don’t understand foreign policy.

As posted on, the filmmaker explains why: “We made The Fog Horn as a demonstration of our technical skills. It has not been released, not even in Japan. There is actually a problem with the copyright of the original, and so that is why we haven’t yet released it to the public. But if there is enough demand for it and a lot of people want to see it, then we’ll definitely release it. If we do, it will be as a DVD or online.” Sato said that he would add English subtitles for “international viewers.” I believe I fall in that category.

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms ’n GodzillaThere you have it. If you want to see The Fog Horn, you need to write your Congressman or call the Emperor of Japan to render all copyrights null and void so we can get this darn thing released. Until that day comes, you can see 1:29 of highlights on YouTube™ by clicking HERE

Better hurry, as lighthouses are in heat this time of year and there’s some gentlemen plesiosaurs about to come callin’.

Chawz: Bacon Gone Wild

Posted in Asian Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , on September 15, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

ChawzThe new Korean horror movie Chawz, a heartwarming story about a VW Beetle-sized hog that eats people alive, proposes one of those philosophical questions. I.e., if a tree falls in the woods and no one was around to hear it, would it still make a sound? (Don’t be simple – of course it would, because Bigfoot knows, sees and hears all in the forest.) So here’s the question: If Chawz was chasing you through the woods and there was no one around to hear you screaming, would you still like bacon?

Tough one, I know. But then again, bacon is so darn tasty. And good for you, too. Chawz regards you in the same manner. I bet this topic is being debated in some community college philosophy course as we speak. But the truth is, it can’t be answered. Why? When was the last time YOU were chased through the woods by a giant pig? I’m pretty sure I’m the only one.

ChawzChawz, arriving October 19, 2010, is retitled from Chaw for the American market, which is stupid times ten. Some over-paid movie company guy probably thought, “Hey, this pig could be a sort of ‘Land Jaws,’ so let’s give it a name that sounds like Jaws and we’ll make millions!” Good luck with that.

In case you decide not to rush out and buy the DVD, here’s what it’s about: “In the calm and peaceful mountain village of Sameri where there has not been a crime for years, the community’s headman dreams about developing the village to bring up the economy of the town. One day a terribly damaged dead body was discovered in the grove of the new development that send the entire town into a panic as it has not happened before. Upon investigation it was confirmed that the victim, a young girl, was murdered and attacked by a cannibalistic wild boar. The villages voice for the project to be closed but the headman greedy for money ignores the pleas and pushes the project ahead. Soon CHAW attacks again and terrorizes the entire town and new tourist/visitors…”

I know I’ve heard of this plot before, but where?


Of course, Chaw isn’t the first of its kind. Back in 1984 there was this little horror film called Razorback, which was allegedly based on true news reports coming out of Australia’s Outback regarding a rogue pig that attacked humans and ate their body parts/babies. A guy’s news reporter wife goes to Australia to get the scoop, only to be scooped up by Razorback himself. Heh. He goes to find her and encounters the super-sized hog and has to find a way to kill it before it eats him. A sound strategy.

Pig HuntThen there’s Pig Hunt (2008), a relatively new entry in the giant hog sweepstakes. A guy and some buddies go out in the woods to hunt wild boars. Waiting to dissuade them is a 3,000 porker called The Ripper. Any marauding pig named after a Judas Priest song has my vote. Heck, I’ll even buy his tour shirt.

All of this begs another philosophical question: Would a snorting, rampaging truckload of breakfast meat turn you into a vegan? There is but one true answer: Only if he doesn’t catch you.

French Ghouls: Mon Dieu!

Posted in Zombies with tags on September 14, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

La MeuteLa Meute is French for The Pack. As in a pack of ghouls as opposed to, say, a pack of gum. I could’ve said a pack of cigarettes, but that would be irresponsible of me to promote smoking, which has been proven to be harmful to unborn ghouls.

The Pack, a French horror movie arriving September 29, 1010, is about cannibal ghouls that, like all other human/non-human beings, need daily nutrition. And where do they get their caloric intake? By eating people. This presents a problem as most folk don’t like seeing their name on a menu between “Appetizers” and “Dessert.”

Here’s the movie’s premise as translated from French by my Asian neighbor. Not sure how that worked, but there you go:

“In the middle of a snowy no man’s land, Charlotte picks up Max, a hitchhiker; they stop in a truck-stop restaurant, and when Max doesn’t come back from the bathroom, Charlotte starts looking for him in vain. She decides to return during the night but gets kidnapped by the bartender, La Spack, who turns out to be Max’s mother and needs to feed her kids, “The Pack,” a bunch of blood lusting ghouls. Charlotte now faces a terrifying reality: these ghouls are already dead…and hungry. Alone and in the middle of nowhere, she quickly realizes she’s their next meal.”

La MeuteThe movie poster sucks Crêpe Suzette because it doesn’t show the monsters. So I’ll do it. The heads of ghouls in La Meute look like fossilized footballs, but without the official NFL™ logo or cross-stitching. These creatures have tusk-like teeth, which seems like they’d be easy to brush, seeing how they’re on the outside of the mouth.

La MeuteDespite the fact the name La Meute has already been taken by a French rap group with a logo that makes them look like hip hop werewolves, this movie appears to have substantial entertainment value. Just like gum – and cigarettes.

Demeking: So You Think You Can Stomp

Posted in Asian Horror, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , on September 13, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

DemekingAs giant Japanese monsters go, Demeking is kind of a wussy name for a 200-foot tall radioactive slug with hemorrhoid bumps on its back. Everyone knows that the best daikaiju have names that end in “la”, “thra” and “rah,” although “yah” can be substituted at your discretion.


Demeking, a monster from outer space, looks to continue in Godzilla’s footsteps, which is landscaping. But I’m getting ahead of myself – here’s where the story begins…

The year is 1969. Hippies were proliferating faster than tie-dye bong sales at a Grateful Dead concert. And the apocalypse was still a few weeks away. Koichi Hachiya, not quite a hippie, but still a young man trying to make sense of the Grateful Dead’s appeal, finds a note stuffed in a glass bottle, which warns of a cosmic creature known as Demeking, coming to put a stop to hippies and/or Earth. For whatever reason, Koichi resolves to stop Demeking’s intended reign of destruction and unhappy times.

There’s more to it than that, but that should be enough for now. Releasing here in the states on October 12, 2010, the round-eye American version has it titled as Demeking, The Sea Monster. It’s not even out yet and already they screwed it up. Demeking comes from space, not the ocean, though given its slug-like visage, I can see why one might think otherwise.

Problem #2 are the marketing one-sheets. They show a loner motorcycle dude named Hiroshi readying himself to meet his Demeking destiny. I do not care about Hiroshi or his stylish motorcycle helmet. If you want me to shell out valuable space coupons to see a giant monster movie, then put a giant monster on the glass. (Note to you: I circled Demeking in the examples so you can see that there actually is a giant monster doing grievous bodily harm to Japan – which is what giant monsters are SUPPOSED to do.)

DemekingDemeking, The Sea Monster, is a live action moving picture show based on the 1991 manga by Takashi Imashiro. Man, that guy has a lot of vowels in his name. The DVD comes with English sub-titles, which kinda sucks as bad dubbing is another tradition of Japanese-to-American giant monster movies.

DemekingAt least Japan is trying to keep our spirits up until Godzilla announces his coming-out-of-retirement tour. But couldn’t they at least give the new monster a cooler name? Demeking sounds like a vacuum cleaner sold at Ikea™ or something you’d stir-fry in sesame oil before serving atop rice with seasonal vegetable.

P.S. Does Demeking look like Jar Jar Binks with a back-pack, or have I been smoking too much tie-dye?

Psycho Shark: I Can See You’re Nuts

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags on September 12, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Psycho SharkReleased in Japan as Jaws in Japan, Psycho Shark is YET ANOTHER movie about a marauding monster fish attacking a swimming area loaded with delicious female swimwear. Here’s what goes down…

“Beautiful girls are in danger. At Sunny Beach, a huge shark is waiting for its prey. College students Miki, Mai, and some friends decide to celebrate their graduation with a trip to a private beach on a tropical island south of Japan. The girls head to the beach for some sunbathing and swimming. Suddenly, the dorsal fin of a monstrously large shark breaks the surface…”

Jaws in JapanI just soiled myself. I have GOT to know what happens next. Will Miki and Mai be OK? Will Psycho Shark chew through their bikini tops? Will Sunny Beach ever be a place to watch Japanese teenage girls frolicking around in dental floss swimsuits ever again? Not knowing is KILLING me.

Jaws in JapanJaws in Japan stole the idea for their cover art from Great White (1980), a Jaws rip-off so close to the original product, they got their gills sued off  and were never allowed to release it, although it did officially come out in Sweden in 2008. (Note to reader: It’s on the internet, you just have to go fishing for it. Heh.) It’s ironic, then, that they’re being ripped off. What goes around, comes around, bitch! This is probably why Cinema Epoch, an American DVD company, changed the title from Jaws in Japan to Psycho Shark. Besides being a cooler name, no one wants to get their gills sued off. Props to Cinema Epoch for thinking ahead of the curve on this one.

Jaws in JapanJaws in Japan uses a real shark and real swimsuit model for their cover. Not entirely sure, but I think Great White used an illustrated shark and swimsuit model on theirs. Hard to tell, what with all that Budweiser getting in the way. Regardless, Psycho Shark is being released October 12, 2010 and will retail for $19.98. Heck, I’d pay up to $21.04 to own this gem of the ocean.

Psycho Shark

Swamp Shark: How’s Bayou?

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on September 11, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Swamp SharkThe bayou’s gettin’ kinda crowded these days, what with Swamp Thing, Swamp Woman, Swamp Devil and Swamp Zombies running wild in the gunky wetlands. But of all these great and wonderful things that make up the stink ’n slimy ecosystem, a shark hasn’t been one of them. Until now. Enter Swamp Shark, the marsh’s newest tourist predator.

Swamp DwellersSwamp Shark, featuring an escaped carcharodon carcharias that is clearly thinking outside the box, is an upcoming SyFy Channel™ “original movie,” which they claim is not a Jaws rip-off, but rather a tribute. Someone’s been sniffin’ swamp gas. But you decide whether or not they’re lying right to your gills…

“In the gorgeous swamplands of the Atchafalaya Basin in the summer, lots of beautiful teens are at the beach the weekend before Gator Fest. That night an animal smuggling deal goes wrong and a large sea creature escapes into a swampy backwoods river.

At the McDaniel’s “Gator Shack” restaurant, a local, Jackson is drunk, and gets mangled to bits. The town sheriff blames the carnage on the McDaniel’s “escaped” pack of gators and tries hauling them off to jail.

Swamp Shark

Rachel McDaniel, head of the family, claims to have seen the fin of a shark! Rachel and her family, along with the help of a mysterious stranger, Charlie, take on the Swamp Shark and the law to clear their names, save Rachel’s kid sister Krystal and prevent the unwitting folks at the upcoming Gator Fest from being torn to shreds by a beast, the likes of which no one has ever seen!”

The only thing that’s gonna be torn to shreds is the movie producer. Sharks may be apex predators, but film critics are way more deadly.

Swamp Shark stars Kristy Swanson, star of 1986’s Deadly Friend (a teen zombie) and 1992’s immortal Buffy the Vampire Slayer (teen, uh, vampire slayer). If anyone has the background to take out Swamp Shark, it’s Kristy. However, if her résumé is padded, Swampy will know, and will respond with measured hostility and splashing.

Swamp SharkJaws isn’t the only thing Swamp Shark is ripping off. There’s a punk rock band that goes by the same name who might not like somebody making fun of their serious music, man. I say chum the pit and let attorneys do a feeding frenzy for the rights.

Swamp Shark

Resident Evil: Before & Afterlife

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , on September 10, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Resident Evil: AfterifeResident Evil: Afterlife, the highly-anticipated latest installment in the popular, if uneven, RE franchise, reinforces what we already know: Milla Jovovich as Alice, keeps getting more hot with every zombie face she splits open like a hot cantaloup. Secondly, genetically-altered mutant dogs love to chew on bones – the ones in your legs. Everything else is pretty much the same. Sort of.

Picking up where Resident Evil: Extinction (2007) left off, the action begins with multiple Alice clones converging on the underground Umbrella Corporation, the ass hooks who created the T-cell germ-y virus that pretty much destroyed the entire world and turned everyone into modified zombies with stinky T-cell breath. With so many Alice copies, there has got to be at least one of them who wouldn’t turn me down for a feel-up date. The odds are clearly in my favor.

The movie producers raided all the visual tricks from Matrix: Reloaded (2003) and Matrix Revolutions (also 2003), what with all the slow-mo gun fire, acrobatic bullet dodging and, blatantly enough, the head evil guy not only wearing a floor-length black coat ala Neo, but sleek sunglasses as well. Evil guys must think that wearing sunglasses indoors/underground makes ’em look cool. Kinda makes ’em look STUPID. What isn’t, is the destruction of the Umbrella Corp., the reality-warping imploding of which makes the ka-BOOM of Star Wars’ Death Star look like Mentos™ dropped in a recyclable can of Coca-Cola™.

During this, the real Alice gets neck injected with some gook that takes away her superhuman strength (but thankfully not her hotness). The head evil guy escapes, she flies to Alaska to hook up with her friends who have been following an Emergency Channel Broadcast telling them safety, food and shelter await all survivors in Arcadia. They said nothing of rations of booze, so it’s doubtful I would’ve gone.

Once there she finds nothing, except her old pal Claire (the also rip hot Ali Larter), who has lost most of her memory and is all aggro due to Umbrella hooking some sort of mad-maker to her geographically proportioned chest. Resolving that, the two ladies fly in an old Japanese Sub-Zero fighter plane to L.A., which is in burning ruins. In the middle of the air-polluting rubble is a mega-tall building that used to be a maximum security prison holds several survivors. Down below, one million zombies waiting to be let in for a conjugal visit.

Landing the plane on the roof, ala Escape From New York (1981), Alice and Claire learn that Arcadia is actually an off-shore freighter, a sort of Love Boat for those uninfected by the T-cell, which has been cruising up and down the coast, looking to hook you up. But how to get to it? The plane was hijacked by one of the survivors (a Hollywood producer – how appropriate), leaving everyone else to wade through zombies to make it to the ocean.

Resident Evil: AfterlifePrevious Resident Evil movies all had cool mutated monsters as well as rage-encrusted undead. This one only has one monster, a 15-footer who looks like he just walked off the set of Silent Hill (2006), wearing a burlap sack ski mask, nine-inch nails sticking out of his shoulders, and swinging a hammer so awesome, it’d give the Mighty Thor a boner. The only other creatures, besides a few zombies who can make their faces blossom like skunk weed with teeth (like the vampires in Blade II/2002), are two zombie dogs, whose top half can unzip themselves all the way down the neck. So yeah, low on monsters. Blood, too, though sometimes you don’t need all that ketchup on your fries.

Making it to the freighter (with a few casualties), Alice discovers her beef with the Umbrella Corporation has yet to be resolved. Several thousand survivors have been taken aboard and are waiting to be experimented on. This part I don’t get; With the world all but rendered inoperable, what’s the point? Clearly, the Umbrella Corp. intends a profit from their research. But with no one left to buy their miracle drugs, how come those employees left standing aren’t calling in sick and hanging out in porn theaters all day? That’s what I’d do.

Alice: Then and Now All this build-up to a “meh” finish makes sense when you find out that Resident Evil: Afterlife is but part one of the grand finale. Alice, after crawling through a sewer, fighting off zombie dogs, locking hammers with a Home Depot™ freak mutant, and landing a plane rather bumpily on a rooftop, still looks hotter than most women who don’t do any of the above. Umbrella is not through with Alice as they need her DNA, which is resistant to mutation. It is my fondest wish that Alice might someday want some of my DNA. She’s probably not gonna give it to either of us. But we’ll have to wait for the next sequel to find out.

Exploding (literally) with stylish action, eye-defying visuals and slow-mo poses (and still set up like the video game it was modeled after), Resident Evil: Afterlife is also in 3-D. Call me crazy, but I think a shower scene would’ve totally lent itself to this format. Just sayin’.

Eaters: Another Zombie Movie

Posted in Zombies with tags on September 9, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

EatersThe proliferation of zombie movies over the last several years is as unstoppable as the undead themselves. We’ve been buried in an upside down cemetery of living dead flicks, nearly all with the same basic premise: a pandemic of organ-dissolving herpes virus reanimates the dead, who pursue the living as though they were free Swanson TV Salisbury Human Dinners™. Those uninfected and unable to band together to keep from sliding down the food chain one bite at a time, eventually become part of the black regurgitated stuff that leaks out of the toxic zombie cake holes. And I thought vampire movies sucked.

The zombie genre is as worn out as my 1976 KISS “Destroyer” T-shirt. (Still fits, though – ha!) But that isn’t stopping anyone with a hand-held video camera from making yet another movie about the dead coming back to life and cashing in. Case in point: the new Italian zombie movie, Eaters. Yet another deadly epidemic (redundant, but then so is the genre) has shifted the social balance, with the dead becoming the majority and the dwindling living becoming the salad bar minority. A fortress sanctuary has been turned into a research lab and a couple of guys and a scientist try to solve the mystery of the walking dead. (No mystery – it’s cash, man.)

But here’s where this particular zombie movie tries to distance itself from the legions of the dead. The scientist needs the two guys to round up some zombies for experimental purposes involving equations, test tubes and chalkboards covered in math graffiti. The scientist’s girlfriend is a healthy carrier of the zombie virus. His plan is to knock her up and create a new race of living/dead hybrids, who will then carry out his dark wishes. During all of this romance, science and international intrigue, is the eating of currently occupied flesh, the gooshing of market-fresh blood, the unsolicited screaming of those on the receiving end.

Serviceable enough premise. Now here’s where it can go off the track. The movie is being done by horror filmmaker Ewe Boll (my best guess at pronouncing: Eeeew! Bowl!). This is the same guy who did the wretched video game movie adaptations, House of the Dead (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005), Alone in the Dark II (2008 – if it didn’t suck enough the first time…), and the Bloodrayne franchise, just to name a few FAILS.

According to my internet research (I clicked on a few things), five of Ewe’s films have placed in the Internet Movie Database’s [IMD] Bottom 100 Films list. Boll also received a rare “Worst Career Achievement” award at the 29th Golden Raspberry Awards in February of 2009 for In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2008),  1968 Tunnel Rats (2008), and Postal (2007). His scorecard: Boll has been nominated for Razzies three times. Ouch. Lover of all things zombie or not, this does not bode well for the fans.

The EatersEaters is a kind of a dumb name for a zombie movie, as it’s pretty much a given that’s what zombies do. Not surprisingly, there’s already an undead movie by that title. Released in 2009, the indie stoner horror comedy The Eaters (since re-titled Eat Me), is about a garage band in Brooklyn that somehow survives a nuclear “event,” only to discover they’re the last ones left alive – and everyone else is a zombie. Their plan: smoke out, groove on some crunchy tunes and make their way to Long Island. (Maybe there’s a Hippie Jam Fest going on there or something, I don’t know.)

Le Horde, The DeadFor quality flesh-eating, might I recommend the French zombie flick, La Horde, as well as the shocking African zombie movie, The Dead. (You know this one is good because Africa is where zombies were invented. At least that’s what the internet said.) But if you’re like me, you’re gonna take the sucker bait and watch Eaters. This is my punishment for being a loyal horror movie fan. Knowing the guy behind it, I gotta feeling its gonna bite as much as the zombies themselves.