Cloud Creatures: The New Air-Traffic Control

AltitudeThe last thing you want to see when you’re in a small plane caught in a storm is giant black tentacles coming out of the clouds. That, or Jesus. Or Jesus with tentacles. Either, way, you’re screwed. And the airborn teens in the new horror thriller Altitude, which releases October 26, 2010, are beyond screwed.

Taking off in a plane that seats less than a hover-cab, they aren’t in the air 10 minutes when a mechanical failure forces the rookie-piloted aircraft into an upper atmosphere designed for spaceships and/or Mothra. Parachutes or an escape pod might’ve been a good Plan B, but everyone’s gooning out over the fact that they’re flying in a dense mist (or “fog”) and that the ground below is gone. (I bet it was eaten by the same evil thing in the clouds that’s about to suck out their brains.)

AltitudeThere aren’t a whole lotta options here. The passengers don’t have a clue how to battle this “Octo-Cloud,” and with no place to land below, all they can do is scream real loud and hope it gives the monster a headache and lets them go.

Here’s how I’d do it – first, push all the passengers out the door. (I’d need to make the plane as light as possible. I don’t know why – I saw that in a movie.) Second, I’d purge the toilet tank all over the creature using one or more of those red buttons on the control panel. (It’ll be full after I look out the window and see long black tentacles 30,000 feet in the air.) The beast will likely release me from its death grip to go rinse its eye out, and I can somehow manage to fly to Hawaii and get some refreshing tropical drinks to calm my nerves. If all else fails, I’d scream real loud and hope that it gives the monster a headache and lets me go.


Altitude, starring a bunch of people no one gives a crap about, looks both intriguing and promising. But I’m gonna wait to see if they use real monster tentacles or just some of those battery-powered rubber ones. Hey, when you’re dealing with a multi-legged cloud creature, realism is important.

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