Santa Claus: Packed In Ice

Rare ExportsSanta Claus doesn’t live at the North Pole. He lives in northern Finland. Rather, he lives UNDER it, encased in ice, like the extraterrestrial creature in The Thing (1982). Santa is discovered during an archeological dig and is hauled to the surface. And he’s still alive.

This is gooning me out for several reasons, the least of which is how Santa got there in the first place. And where the hell are his reindeer? In some Ostrobothnia meat-packing plant? This is not good.

This “re-imagining” of one of the greatest men of all time is the premise for Rare Exports, a decidedly bent holiday horror story that smears darkness all over the face of Christmas. Here’s how the movie producers explain their blasphemy…

Rare Exports“On the eve of Christmas in northern Finland, an archeological dig unearths Santa Claus. This particular Santa, however, isn’t the one you want coming to town. When most of the town’s children go missing, Pietari and his father, a local hunter named Rauno, come into possession of the mythological being. Rauno’s clan of hunters attempts to cash in on the opportunity by selling Santa back to the misguided leader of the multinational corporation sponsoring the dig. What ensues is nothing short of a wildly humorous nightmare – a fantastically bizarre polemic on modern day morality.”

I’m down with that. But why’d they have to put Santa in a cage? That’s gonna scar me for life.

Rare Exports Another thing causing me tummy aches is the movie title. Rare Exports doesn’t even get in the lobby of telling you what kind of film it is. I would’ve called it The Frozen Red or Jingle Hell or Glacier Claus: The Forbin Project. Sometimes I think movie companies don’t have a clue.

Rare Exports makes its American debut in December – right in time for Christmas. Coincidence? I think not.

I’m never gonna step foot in northern Finland again.

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