Monsterwolf Cometh

MonsterwolfThe rule of thumb is, if a monster movie is presented by the SyFy Channel™, it’s gonna stink worse than an asparagus fart. (Start with Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and go from there.) No wonder my red flags are already going up over SyFy’s venture into werewolf territory in October, first with Monsterwolf, then followed by Red: Werewolf Hunter. Even though we all know the monster is gonna be a dumbass video game computer graphic, like a real werewolf eating someone’s neck, you just can’t help but watch it.

Monsterwolf, debuting October 9, 2010, is about yet another greedy corporate concern ignoring the law and drilling for oil on tribal land. Sure, my car needs fossil fuel just as much as any 1973 leaking vehicle still on the road today. But not at the expense of our Native American brethren. We owe them more than that.

Blast drilling unleashes Kachinawaya, a vengeful monster wolf spirit, that leaps out of the ground and eats your face. I guess this is OK, except I was hoping for a werewolf the size of the Partridge Family bus that roams the woods, eating bears whole and knocking down old growth trees and is impervious to machine gun fire. Oh, well. I guess I’ll just have to wait until Hollywood reads my script, coincidentally titled the same.

SyFy’s second attempt at lycanthropy is Red: Werewolf Hunter, which premiers October 30, 2010. A modern day descendant of Red Riding Hood (goofy, but kinda cool) introduces her fiancé to her family, a clan of werewolf hunters. (I bet they give the happy couple matching flea collars as a wedding gift. I would.) Naturally, the guy is skeptical…until he’s bitten by a werewolf. And if the Learning Channel™ has taught us anything, when you’re bitten by a werewolf, you become one of those stinky things yourself. Nothing personal pal, but you just became your in-laws’ next target.

Monsterwolf Why am I thinking both of these are gonna be wereturds? Probably because I’ve been burned so many times before by SyFy’s endless parade of shabby digital monster crap. Yeah, I’ll still watch ’em. But I don’t have to like ’em.

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