The Return of Ghost Shark

Ghost SharkWhen we last left Ghost Shark, he was confined to an extra-dimensional prison for crimes against humanity. And for littering. Years later, Ghost Shark has managed a jailbreak and is back to chomp the calories out of the delectable citizens of Auckland. (So named because “Auck!” is the sound coming that burps out of your mouth when Ghost Shark puts the clampdown on your groin.)

A ghost shark expert is called into stop the slippery shapeshifter, which isn’t gonna be easy as Ghost Shark can now travel through anything liquid. This includes water (which I’m told is a liquid), ice (WTF?) and steam. (I repeat, WTF?) In a scene this close to being indescribable, Ghost Shark shoots out of the steam coming from an iron and puts permanent creases in the, um, ironer. (I swear, if I’m ironing my Iron Maiden shirt or drinking a beer while ironing my Iron Maiden shirt and Ghost Shark shoots out of the bottle and/or iron and bites my face off, there will be hell to pay. Real hell, too – not that fictional church place.)

Ghost SharkThis is not fiction. Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws is an actual movie. Is it a comedy? A drama? A contender for the Blair Witch Award for Worst Horror Movie Ever? (Actually, that honor may very well go to Thankskilling (2009). Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws has yet to score a U.S. release date, but if I know those chuckleheads over at Netflix™, they’re probably chasing it down as we speak.

Ghost Shark Just so you don’t think the filmmakers are total dweebs, there is actually a species of cartilaginous fish in the order of Chimaeriformes called “ghost sharks.” DO NOT get ’em mixed up with spookfish, or “Opisthoproctidae.” Spookfish cannot travel through steam or ice cubes, so make sure you have your facts straight before know-it-all-ing at some cocktail party.

P.S. Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws is being called Flying Death Shark: The Returning in Japan. I cannot verify that. But what I can tell you is that title most definitely sucks steamy ice cubes.

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