Archive for July, 2010

SuicideGirls: Naked Horror

Posted in Scream Queens with tags on July 20, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

SuicideGirls

A dozen punk rock chicks with tattoos, piercings and a pronounced allergy to clothing, go way in the hell out there to a “roughing it” cabin with every known convenience, to do a calendar shoot. During the “broads in broad daylight” photo sessions, some girls wander off and don’t come back. Did they get bored and decide to hitchhike 700 miles back to whence they came? Did all the wine and beer and pot run out so they went to the store to get more? Were they hacked up by some guy in a hockey mask? The SuicideGirls would have you believe the latter.

More of a vehicle to promote their world famous internet brand than a “reality-based horror movie,” SuicideGirls Must Die! was one of those “looks good on paper” ideas: Take a dozen of their most naked girls up to a cabin on a lake and do a photo shoot for an upcoming calendar, showing parts of their bodies that, up until now, only their gynecologists had seen. That part works. Over and over. What doesn’t work are the “disappearances” of several girls, leading to more arguing and f-wording and all-out bitchiness than any crack-fueled Tupperware™ party.

When one “problem” chick doesn’t come back from hanging out on the dock, the others look for about one minute, then go back to taking off those awful clothes. The another goes missing. Lather, rinse, repeat. But the photo shoot must go on. The clothes must come off. And the hot tub scene, with nine naked chicks getting drunk and rubbing each others’ stress points, is absolutely essential to the plot.

Speaking of, they try and throw in a swerve by adding a weirdo dude with a fourth grade diploma who lives in a modern tent in the woods and hangs his Speedos™ out to dry on tree branches. Then there’s the woman-hating groundskeeper who yells unbefitting language right  at them. Then there’s Amina, the SuicideGirl in charge of everything, telling them all to go to hell if they’re not onboard with the plan. (By far and away, the best character. Best chest tattoos, too.)

SuicideGirls

When all this gets too much, the group splits up – four in a boat in underwear, three walking for hours doing nothing but arguing. Those that don’t bitch on each other, cry like wet kittens. So much for the SuicideGirls’ vaunted toughness.

In the end it was all a put-on. But you knew you were gonna be robbed about ten seconds after renting this “horror” movie. They promise tons of blood. Not so much. They promise scares. The contents in my laundry basket are more frightening. They promise lots of boobs. OK, one outta three ain’t bad.

But you don’t rent movies like this for a horror experience. You watch it for the hot tub scene, which by the way needed way more soap. If you’re gonna talk dirty, you’re gonna have to pay the price.

SuicideGirls Must Die! is promoted as the world’s first reality-based horror film, unscripted, unrehearsed, unplanned. Yeah, right. Look at the end credits — more working staff than Jenny Craig™. I, however, would like to offer my services as General Manager of Hot Tubbery for the sequel. No charge. Heck, I’ll pay THEM.

Monsterpocalypse

Posted in Giant Monsters with tags on July 19, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monsterpocalypse

Since it’s pretty much illegal to knock over buildings, you only have two other options: watch someone else do it, or play the giant monster game, Monsterpocalypse. In that world, no jail cell could hold you for punching out skyscrapers, because you’re as big as the structures you’re re-structuring.

Monsterpocalypse is a strategy game with collectible miniature monsters, which is noticeably ironic given that the whole thing is about giant monsters. Here’s the product’s description: “The game involves game maps on which all manner of Japanese-inspired monsters, aliens, robots and insects do battle while laying waste to the cityscape, which changes for each game.”

Monsterpocalypse

There is no part of that last sentence which sucks.

While Monsterpocalypse the game is nerd cool, there’s now talks with Tim Burton (Johnny Depp’s dad) for it to be adapted into a 3-D movie. (I call dibs to be in it.) The plot is rumored to be about a horde of gargantuan monsters who pummel the human race (Humans deserve it). The humans fight back, driving the monsters into hiding. (USA! USA!) While we wait for these creatures to counter-attack, the humans build giant robots. A robots and monster melee ensues. (In your face WWE™.)

Monsterpocalypse

While the game runs about $50 wallet smackers and the miniatures and expansion packs hitting you up for anywhere between $8 and $23, I’m just gonna wait for the movie (starring ME) to shell out the fun clams. I could care less if Burton does the film – I just wanna see it made.

Visit Monsterpocalypse’s freakin’ bad ass website HERE then go to bed and dream of it all becoming a reality. That’s what I’ve been doing.

German Giant Monster

Posted in Giant Monsters with tags on July 18, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gualagon

Gualagon, a giant radioactive sea creature, looks like he’s from Japan, but he’s not. Nope, this multi-tentacled creature is from Germany. Double ass crazy, but true. Even assier still is that Gualagon is NOT a movie, but rather an “audioplay.” That’s like a radio broadcast, but without the radio. I see you’re confused. Let’s see if I can make you all happy again.

Seems some guys in Germany are such über fans of Japan’s kaiju movies, they wanted to do one themselves. But making a feature film can be expensive, especially if you don’t have one of those super neat Flip™ cameras you get at Best Buy™. So they decided to do an audioplay version instead, complete with screaming and building smooshing sound effects. (Sounds like they recorded themselves squeezing a few bags of potato chips and slapped a little reverb on it. That’s what I’d do.)

To promote Gualagon, they went so far as to design graphics and even whip up a YouTube™ trailer. (This actually came out a while back, and I’m just now getting around to it. Sorry – I was busy watching paint dry.) They even went so far as to make a movie poster for it – in Japanese. The producers sure went to a lot of trouble to get people to listen to their movie.

The story of Gualagon – while oddly familiar – goes like this: In 1966 during a Deadliest Catch-type storm, a huge sea monster attacks a freighter in the middle of the ocean and wrecks it to death. One survivor confirms it was indeed a giant creature that ate his shipmates. Scientists scratch their butts and contemplate whether or not Gualagon is “an ancient beast from the dawn of time or a ghastly abomination spawned from atomic bomb testing.” Probably a little from column A and a little from column b.

Gualagon makes it to shore and the military finally gets to do something besides practice marching. A spectacular battle ensues, but tanks, missiles and water balloons are all but useless again Gualagon’s octo-onslaught. So yeah, bye bye city.

OK, I get all of that. Stock giant monster scenario, but serviceable. Where it makes you scratch your own butt is with the title, which translated from German says, Gualagon – Frankenstein’s Giant of Terror. I know Frankenstein was/is from Germany and he’s the equivalent of Jesus over there. Sticking the F word in the title really confuses the issue. What a giant radioactive sea monster and Frankenstein have to do with each other is a real butt scratcher. (Those wacky Germans would put Frankenstein’s name on a hot dog if they thought it’d sell more of those tasty/portable breakfast meals.)

OK, if I saw Frankenstein’s name on a package of hot dogs, I’d totally for sure buy it.

Gualagon

Here’s what the Gualagon’s creators have to say about it: “In case you are wondering what Frankenstein has to do with a Toho production, the answer is: Nothing at all. In Germany it was customary during that time to associate the giant monster movies with Frankenstein, because the distributors thought the movie would sell better with that name in the title. In most cases the term Frankenstein was simply dubbed into the synchronisation, usually mentioned only once. By the way, in French speaking countries most of the Godzilla movies had Dracula in the title for the very same reason.”

Now it get it. I still like scratching my butt, though.

Gualagon was spearheaded by Ralf Lorenz, the same exact guy who did Kongula, just so you have a point of reference. Visit their cool website (click HERE) for way more information, tons of cool pictures of Gualagon ripping apart buildings as though they were fake, and the “movie” soundtrack. Pretty righteous of them to go to all that trouble for us kaiju fans. So, like, danke.

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on July 17, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man

First came Tetsuo – The Iron Man (1989). He did not have a red and yellow steel suit and rocket feet. This was a regular guy who instead of putting things like turkey basters or G.I. Joe dolls into his, um, nether regions, he stuck scrap metal up there. One day while out looking for bottle caps to dangle from something, he was run over by some dude out joyriding with his chick. Later, the driver begins to notice he’s come down with a disease — his body is slowly being assimilated by, you guessed it, metal. And not the headbanging kind.

It’s not long before he’s a walking junk yard. Impressive to look at, but not very practical, as his girlfriend finds out. (His wango tango is now an oversized power drill. One of them is  gonna have a good time tonight.)

But the man is mind-moshing to a mad metal world and is turning into walking aluminum foil by the minute. Turns out Mr. Metal is actually being controlled by the metal fetishest he ran over. Nope, not dead, but mega-pissed and out for revenge.

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man

Then came Tetsuo II: Body Hammer (1992). A guy discovers his body is being re-configured into a mechanical weapon. He notices this when he gets really mad. (Best to give him balloons, candy and whistles to keep him happy). After his son is kidnapped by violent criminals, he goes into weapon mode and becomes a gun. Guess what he uses for ammunition? Let’s just say it has nothing to do with tacos.

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man

Now comes Tetsuo: The Bullet Man (2009). This guy has the same name as the first two guys. Astonishingly, they’re not even related, even though all of ’em can turn into machines of mass destruction. You’d think they’d at least be cousins on their mother’s side.

Bullet Man (real name Anthony) is a calm man — until he sees his son run over by a car of all things. (What is it about drivers in Japan? Don’t they have rules about not mowing down pedestrians? Geez.) This triggers violent emotions that, cell by cell, turns his body into an angry configuration of metal that enables him to become a weapon. Nothing to do except go balls out crazy and kill everything.

Tetsuo: The Iron Man

Tetsuo: The Iron Man is one of those Eraserhead-freakly type movies that instantly gained a rabid cult following. Here’s what some movie expert (I forgot to write down his name) wrote about it: “The original 1989 arthouse classic is regarded as one of the most ground-breaking and influential cyberpunk movies to have come out of Japan (or anywhere). Disturbing and nightmarish, it makes use of stop motion, a hardcore industrial soundtrack, and brutally stark imagery so that sitting through the relatively short 67 minutes is quite a challenge.”

You can get all three movies on DVD and put more iron in your diet. They should package them in a giant tuna can, complete with a promotional can opener. That’d be neat.

Colossal Extraterrestrials

Posted in Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , on July 16, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monsters

If you were on a discount (i.e., broken down) chartered boat on some river lagoon in Mexico and some scary ass thing comes up to the surface and weird lights and noises start showing up from beneath the water and then the huge shape surfaces – would you not totally crap your pants?

That’s the premise of the trailer from Monsters. (Not the pants-crapping part. If I was in the movie, then it’d be a entirely different situation.) Monsters is a $15,000 budgeted indie sci-fi/horror film that’s got everyone ready to crap their… Sorry. Rather, this genius piece of work centers around a bunch of alien life forms that’ve infected Mexico, putting half the country in quarantine. ¡Ay caramba! And how did the aliens get here? Carpooling with a NASA probe.

Monsters

That was six years ago. A photojournalist, on a quest to bring his employer’s daughter out of the infection zone and back to the hygienically clean United States, has to face the above-mentioned WTF, as well as “colossal extraterrestrials.” Good thing he brought his camera.

Monsters

If Monsters, releasing on DVD by Magnet in Octobre, 2010, is as good as the trailer (see it HERE), it’ll restore my faith in colossal extraterrestrials, and by extension, my faith in humanity.

Alien Eggs: Hatch-A-Batch

Posted in Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , on July 15, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty is an impending 3-D sci-fi movie about a half-human/half-alien creature who is supremely pissed that his extraterrestrial mommy was gang-dated by some good ’ol boy rednecks up in them thar hills. Revenge doesn’t even begin to describe what happens next. Let’s just say, it’s not suitable for anyone still in grade school. (OK, I’m the exception.)

So here’s where I’m confused: The story take place in a swamp in the South. The alien was born there. The rednecks are romantically pre-disposed to the alien mom. The kid looks like an egg with teeth. To call the movie Humpty Dumpty is messing with my head. Talk about crossing genres – how do you make an alien sci-fi goon-out and call it something that has nothing to do with the subject matter? As I recall from my misspent youth, Humpty Dumpty is an egg that took a header off a wall and scrambled (sorry) his brains. Not seein’ the connection here.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty is made by David Ellis, the same guy who did Snakes on a Plane. He’s also the guy doing the next Final Destination 3-D: Death Trip “in it for the cash” installment. Matt Goldberg over at Collider.com had the best comment on this wild mess, saying that, “If this movie is just 90 minutes of an egg-man fucking up rednecks, it will be one of the greatest films of the year.”

So I guess I should just shut my egg hole (OK, that didn’t come out right) and wait to see it in its proper context, which is in 3-D.

“I Am The Egg Man – Goo Goo Gajoob.” Wasn’t that in a song by Paul McCartney’s ’60s back-up band?

Russian Spider-Man

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on July 14, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Black Lightning

Black Lightning isn’t electrical bolts thrown at us by some Reverse God, nor is it the name of a’70s porn actor with a Jiffy Pop™ afro and prison-hard muscles. It’s a vintage (i.e., pre-restored rust) Russian sedan that can fly. I don’t understand this; my car is roughly the same shape and is covered in more bird poop than paint, but it can’t fly. Heck, it can barely get out of the driveway. My neighbor’s driveway at that. But here it is, a Soviet Flying Car. And from what the internet translation website tells me, it gets decent mileage, too.

Black Lightning is actually a Russian-made sci-fi movie about a young college guy who discovers that this particular car can do what up to now only seagulls and Harry Potter could do. So instead of picking up chicks, he decides to fight crime. From this point on it becomes, as the press release says, Spider-Man in a car.” So I guess he simply runs over criminals instead of zapping ’em with glue shooting out of his wrists. Movie director Timur Bekmambetov describes Black Lightning as a Slavic Transformers-meets-Batman. Wish someone would pick a lane and fly in it.

Black Lightning

Black Lightning did $20 million in its Motherland, so of course it’ll be remade over here and cost one trillion dollars to make. We should take a few economic lessons in film budgeting from Russia, though; Nightwatch, the 2004 fantasy/horror/sci-fi/wtf movie, with head-spinning visuals and language-defying special effects was made for $4.2 million and went on to gross over $44 million. The sequel, Daywatch (2006), did almost as well with a smaller budget, raking in $35 million. That’s a lot of rubles.

Spider-manTransformersBatman… We still got ’em beat with a little something we here in the States call Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The Soviets may have heard of it — and they should take note as this car has sweet accessories like propellers, red and yellow wings, a kick ass ooga horn, and a cool theme song. And hey, it was the sole inspiration for the Bat Plane™. True that.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

So bring on your Black Lightning crime fighting mobile, Mr. Spider-Russia. We’ll meet you at the airport, comrade — pink slip for pink slip.

Godzilla+Wine=Drunkzilla

Posted in Giant Monsters with tags on July 13, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

You know when you drink alcohol to crazy excess how you want to smash skyscrapers, unbuild bridges, chew on trains and melt military vehicles with your breath? Now you can with Godzilla™ wine! In a slick marketing move to “expand the brand,” Toho, owners of Godzilla’s name, likeness and earning potential, have issued a limited edition velvety red cabernet that when consumed in great quantities, gives you the attitude, if not strength, of a giant monster born of the Atom Age. Question: Why did it take so long to do this?

Actually, Godzilla wine made a brief debut back in 2002 when Adler Fels Winery in California’s screaming citizen-filled Napa Valley produced a boldly austere Cabernet Sauvignon called Cabzilla. The label featured Godzilla waving around a glass of goofy grape and looking all happy and rosy cheeked. Not cool. First, Godzilla is clearly a beer ’n Jagermeister kind of guy. (Don’t believe me? Who doesn’t go on city-wide rampages after drinking multiple shots of that horribly delicious retard juice?) Secondly, Godzilla’s lawyers are far more destructive than the beast they represent. These guys legally forced the winery to pour out ALL the remaining stock. And broke artists/poets/street bums everywhere screamed in anguish.

Cabzilla

So where can you pick up a case of this officially licensed sippy booze? Japan, duh. (If you go there, bring me back some. I don’t drink wine because wine sucks, but I want the bottle to put shampoo in.) Each 750ml container will set you back 4,800 yen, or just under $55 radioactive fins. Seems kinda pricey. Then again, I throw a fit when a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon™ gets above $4.50 a case at Costco™.

You can order it online HERE, or Facebook with some “friend” in Japan Land and get them to send you a bottle. You know, for the betterment of foreign relations and such.

Godzilla

While Godzilla wine pairs nicely with a side of crumbled buildings, what we really need is beer made by Godzilla. There is no roof on the possibilities and/or ramifications of getting butt-faced on a case of Godzilla beer. C’mon, Toho — don’t make me beg.

Halloween Horror Night

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags on July 12, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rob Zombie

You know how after watching The Blair Witch Project and said afterward, “What a hunk of crap – I could make a better horror movie”? Here’s your chance. If you have a video camera (not the one on your cell phone), all you have to do is make a 90-second horror movie short, enter Universal Studio and Rob Zombie’s Halloween Horror Nights Film Competition, then sit back and wait for instant fame. Later, you’ll be able to buy up all the remaining copies of Blair Witch and burn ’em.

Halloween Horror Nights Film Competition is accepting entries from July 7 through August 14 (of this year, I believe). This gives you plenty of time to come up with something that’ll scare the breakfast outta the judging staff, which includes Zombie himself. Your “movie needs to be no less than 90-seconds and no more than three minutes. If chosen you’ll get your movie aired on Chiller TV, a posting on SyFy.com (that’s not really much of a prize – I’d rather get some free beer or a cool new shirt), a $1,000 cash prize (that all? Cheapskates.), and a trip for two to the opening night of Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios in Hollywood. You’ll have to shell out for your own popcorn, though.

Dracula

Here’s some other stuff I copied off Universal’s website: Criteria will be storytelling skill, originality and the degree of a “good scare.” The top 10 shorts will be posted online at Halloween Horror Nights from September 3 – 17, 2010 for public voting.

The winning film will be announced on September 17. In addition to the prize and the broadcast of the film, the winning filmmaker will be honored in front of celebrities, studio executives and media at the Eyegore Awards ceremony, which will kick off the 2010 Halloween Horror Nights event at Universal Studios Hollywood.

Entries should be sent to:
Halloween Horror Nights/Rob Zombie Film Competition
100 Universal City Plaza
Building 5511
100 Universal City, CA 91608

Additional information on the contest, including a complete list of rules and regulations, is available online at the website Halloween Horror Nights. Before you say no, just remember Blair Witch and Paranormal Activity were both made with a Best Buy™ video camera, and both made over $100 million at the box office. Yeah, the $1,000 cash prize is insulting. But hey, you might get to meet Rob Zombie and ask him if you can come over to his house and hang out. Tell him you’ll give him $1,000 bucks if he says yes.

Creepy Crawler

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , on July 11, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Crawler

Of all the potential job hazards on a construction site – saw chopping your neck off, hammers getting stuck in your butt, nails embedding themselves in your blue collar – getting squished by a 50-ton bulldozer with whipping tentacles is probably not one of them. Then again, if you work for Overdrive Construction, you can pretty much expect to not come home from work due to being made into a people pancake by said heavy machinery.

Crawler

Crawler is a cool underground genre movie that chronicles some bizarre and ickily (yes, that’s a word) brutal “accidents” on the job site. People are getting seriously f’d up – and the new Starbuck’s won’t be built on time. I say crap to that.

Crawler

At the root of all this evil is a 50-ton bulldozer with “an insatiable hate” for humans. I dig where its comin’ from. (Hey, that was kinda funny!) Turns out the bulldozer is a shape-shifting life-form that can mimic the characteristics of its surroundings. (I totally took that off the movie’s web site. I’m sorry. Wait, no I’m not.) An example would be if there was a refreshing glass of beer nearby, this life-form would impersonate it, bubbles and all, and you wouldn’t even know the difference until you drank it, because then you’d die. Just so we’re clear, I don’t want to die from drinking a life-form premium draft.

Crawler

As the construction crew tries to figure out whether to fight the machine or scream and run away (I vote for that option), the bulldozer keeps on keepin’ on. Oh, and it doesn’t just turn you into roadkill – you’re not necessarily dead afterward per say. To discuss further would be to ruin everything.

Overdrive Construction is a tongue-in-cheek reference to Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive (1986), a heartwarming story/movie about machines that come to life and ruin humans. While Crawler has almost the same plot as the 1974 TV horror thriller, Killdozer, I’m cool with that.

Killdozer

Crawler’s been around since last year and has made the rounds on the indie film festival circuit, winning a few fireplace mantle-worthy awards: Best Quebec Feature Film 2009/Fantasia Film Festival and Best Feature Film 2009/Wreck-Beach International Film Festival. Good for them.

So where can YOU find it? Not on Amazon.com. Yet, anyway. You can get a DVD of it from an overseas outlet. The transfer is good and you’ll be supporting international trade. Another option is several websites that offer it as a free download. This may or may not be legal. If you wanted to stay on the good side of the law I would NOT click HERE. If you mock authority and care less about the ramifications of your lawless tendencies, click HERE. (Same link for both, by the way.)

I do not condone and/or endorse this kind of behavior.