Archive for July, 2010

Tokyo Gore School: Class Dismissed

Posted in Asian Horror with tags on July 23, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tokyo Gore School

The title Tokyo Gore School is misleading and thereby sets itself up for a lawsuit. According to my comprehensive legal research (3 minutes on the web), Tokyo Gore School (2009 movie release/2010 DVD release) is NOT a sequel to Tokyo Gore Police (2008), and therefore should not imply itself as such. I rest my case.

Battle Royale

Tokyo Gore School is actually a far-reaching sequel to Battle Royale (2000), a Japanese splat-fest that put an entire high school class in an abandoned school on an island so far out in the ocean, only Godzilla and/or Mecha-Flipper could get to it. The students are fitted with electric collars (good idea — they ALL should be) and told they are unwilling participants in the Millennial Educational Reform Act, or Battle Royale. The goal: be the last student standing. The rules: kill your classmates by any and all means necessary. Not sure how this is any different than the education system of today.

Tokyo Gore School, picking up 10 years after Battle Royale left off, employs the same outline, only this time pitting gangs of kids who fight each other to grisly and graphic deaths over (wait for it) each other’s cell phones. (Did someone just groan out loud?) And of course, the government is behind it all. Last one standing gets free minutes added to their “friends ’n family” plan.

Tokyo Gore Police

Tokyo Gore Police, on the other deformed hand, is about a special female police agent who goes after Engineers, mutants that when damaged, re-grow into horrific and way cool bio-freaks. There’s more blood and body parts thrown around in this movie than a party slaughterhouse killing floor. They had the name first, so Tokyo Gore School fails and should be made to write on the chalkboard one million times, “I will not copy other people’s bloody homework.”

Tokyo Gore Police

So what have we learned? To never trust Japan? To not get suckered by swerve movie titles that ride the coattails of other successful films? To go shopping for back-to-school electric collars for our kids?

All of the above.

Human Centipede: Mouthful of Ick

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on July 22, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Human Centipede

A centipede is a pencil-long wiggly anthropod with shoe-less legs that range anywhere from 20 to 300, depending on whether said bug is a freakin’ mutant.

A human centipede has six arms and six legs and is approximately 16-17 feet in length. Other distinguishing features include faces grafted to buttholes, with only one incoming and one outgoing mail chute. It is neither male nor female, yet both. So far there isn’t a can of Raid™ big enough to keep this thing from getting in your cupboards.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence is a “shocking” horror movie involving a German doctor living in seclusion who has been experimenting with creating one gastronomical tube through three human bodies. To do that he needs to sew Subject B’s mouth to the Hershey Highway of Subject A, and like Leggos™ add on another mouth to the swinging back door of Subject B, thereby becoming Subject C. (Don’t worry if you can’t keep up with all this medical jargon – the pictures will help.)

The Human Centipede

Dr. Heiter lucks out when two American college girls end up on his doorstep after their car breaks down on the way to a party where they had planned to drink, dance and get felt up by foreign dudes. Drugging their water while they “wait for a tow truck,” the country doc puts them on surgical tables downstairs where he already has a Japanese guy who can’t speak a lick of English or German, strapped down and prepped for butt surgery.

And here’s where The Human Centipede: First Sequence denies us our rights. They show before the surgery. They show after the surgery. But they don’t show us any medical procedures that would make your face shrivel up like a rotted plum. If you’re gonna do a movie about connecting people’s faces to couch cushions, then put it on the glass. Geez.

The Human Centipede

The Japanese guy is the lucky one as he has two hot chicks chasing his tail (heh). He screams and yells, but since it’s in a different language, the doctor pretty much ignores him. The girls, on the other hand, are unable to talk. That’s because it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full. (Funny, though I apologize.)

The ONLY time this movie takes us to that dark place is when the Japanese guy eats and then eventually has to go to the bathroom that is the girl’s mouths. Eeewww! You don’t actually get to see any wrongness, but you do get some sound effects and facial expressions that’ll give you the dry heaves. A couple detectives show up and see the medical abomination. This scenario ends quickly, but not how you’d expect. In the end (sorry) only one person remains alive. And it’s not who you think it is.

The Human Centipede

The Human Centipede: First Sequence is definitely shocking in nature. I just don’t understand why you’d go to all that trouble and not show the details. Everybody is wrapped in bandages, so you’re left to your own imagination. Mine’s pretty warped, so yeah, I gooned myself out. You’ll have to do that all on your own, though, if you want anything satisfying out of this experience.

The Back Side of Horror

Posted in Scream Queens with tags on July 21, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Spit On Your Grave

It used to be boobs were the go-to selling point for horror movie one-sheets. And for good reason: boobs freakin’ rock, man. Just the mere sight of exposed lady lumps under a paper-thin blouse being ripped into confetti by a werewolf or robot or some sort of humanoid from the deep was all it took to get people (OK, me) to buy a movie ticket.

The Unborn The trend these days is to put some shapely booty in the ads. No complaints here. In fact, I invoke the immortal words of one Sir Mix-A-Lot: “Give me a sister, I can’t resist her, red beans and rice didn’t miss her…” ( I don’t care who you are, Baby Got Back is a dang catchy song.)

Baby Got Back

The two well-rounded examples shown above are that Cloverfield chick (Odette Yustman) in The Unborn, and Sarah Butler as Jennifer in the I Spit On Your Grave remake. While that is for sure Odette’s full moon, I can’t be 100% sure if that’s Butler’s traffic-stopper on the Spit poster. I’ll need some time alone to, um, research it.

I Spit On Your Grave

1978’s I Spit On Your Grave, a story about a woman involuntarily dated by four smelly guys, starred Camille Keaton as the gal with knife-scented perfume. A former Playmen™ playmate of the month in 1974 (back when real women didn’t do any landscaping, if you know what I mean), Camille was not featured on the movie poster, but had someone filling in as a stunt butt. Too bad – she had a fine trunk. And even though she’s now 63, she’s still got it goin’ on.

I heartily support the trend of using backs for fronts. I hope I’m not being an ass by saying that. Yes, boobs will always be great, but rear ends truly are all they’re cracked up to be. Don’t be split down the middle on this issue. Just take it in a bottle, or take it in the can.

You can tell me to stop any time now.

SuicideGirls: Naked Horror

Posted in Scream Queens with tags on July 20, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in


A dozen punk rock chicks with tattoos, piercings and a pronounced allergy to clothing, go way in the hell out there to a “roughing it” cabin with every known convenience, to do a calendar shoot. During the “broads in broad daylight” photo sessions, some girls wander off and don’t come back. Did they get bored and decide to hitchhike 700 miles back to whence they came? Did all the wine and beer and pot run out so they went to the store to get more? Were they hacked up by some guy in a hockey mask? The SuicideGirls would have you believe the latter.

More of a vehicle to promote their world famous internet brand than a “reality-based horror movie,” SuicideGirls Must Die! was one of those “looks good on paper” ideas: Take a dozen of their most naked girls up to a cabin on a lake and do a photo shoot for an upcoming calendar, showing parts of their bodies that, up until now, only their gynecologists had seen. That part works. Over and over. What doesn’t work are the “disappearances” of several girls, leading to more arguing and f-wording and all-out bitchiness than any crack-fueled Tupperware™ party.

When one “problem” chick doesn’t come back from hanging out on the dock, the others look for about one minute, then go back to taking off those awful clothes. The another goes missing. Lather, rinse, repeat. But the photo shoot must go on. The clothes must come off. And the hot tub scene, with nine naked chicks getting drunk and rubbing each others’ stress points, is absolutely essential to the plot.

Speaking of, they try and throw in a swerve by adding a weirdo dude with a fourth grade diploma who lives in a modern tent in the woods and hangs his Speedos™ out to dry on tree branches. Then there’s the woman-hating groundskeeper who yells unbefitting language right  at them. Then there’s Amina, the SuicideGirl in charge of everything, telling them all to go to hell if they’re not onboard with the plan. (By far and away, the best character. Best chest tattoos, too.)


When all this gets too much, the group splits up – four in a boat in underwear, three walking for hours doing nothing but arguing. Those that don’t bitch on each other, cry like wet kittens. So much for the SuicideGirls’ vaunted toughness.

In the end it was all a put-on. But you knew you were gonna be robbed about ten seconds after renting this “horror” movie. They promise tons of blood. Not so much. They promise scares. The contents in my laundry basket are more frightening. They promise lots of boobs. OK, one outta three ain’t bad.

But you don’t rent movies like this for a horror experience. You watch it for the hot tub scene, which by the way needed way more soap. If you’re gonna talk dirty, you’re gonna have to pay the price.

SuicideGirls Must Die! is promoted as the world’s first reality-based horror film, unscripted, unrehearsed, unplanned. Yeah, right. Look at the end credits — more working staff than Jenny Craig™. I, however, would like to offer my services as General Manager of Hot Tubbery for the sequel. No charge. Heck, I’ll pay THEM.


Posted in Giant Monsters with tags on July 19, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in


Since it’s pretty much illegal to knock over buildings, you only have two other options: watch someone else do it, or play the giant monster game, Monsterpocalypse. In that world, no jail cell could hold you for punching out skyscrapers, because you’re as big as the structures you’re re-structuring.

Monsterpocalypse is a strategy game with collectible miniature monsters, which is noticeably ironic given that the whole thing is about giant monsters. Here’s the product’s description: “The game involves game maps on which all manner of Japanese-inspired monsters, aliens, robots and insects do battle while laying waste to the cityscape, which changes for each game.”


There is no part of that last sentence which sucks.

While Monsterpocalypse the game is nerd cool, there’s now talks with Tim Burton (Johnny Depp’s dad) for it to be adapted into a 3-D movie. (I call dibs to be in it.) The plot is rumored to be about a horde of gargantuan monsters who pummel the human race (Humans deserve it). The humans fight back, driving the monsters into hiding. (USA! USA!) While we wait for these creatures to counter-attack, the humans build giant robots. A robots and monster melee ensues. (In your face WWE™.)


While the game runs about $50 wallet smackers and the miniatures and expansion packs hitting you up for anywhere between $8 and $23, I’m just gonna wait for the movie (starring ME) to shell out the fun clams. I could care less if Burton does the film – I just wanna see it made.

Visit Monsterpocalypse’s freakin’ bad ass website HERE then go to bed and dream of it all becoming a reality. That’s what I’ve been doing.

German Giant Monster

Posted in Giant Monsters with tags on July 18, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in


Gualagon, a giant radioactive sea creature, looks like he’s from Japan, but he’s not. Nope, this multi-tentacled creature is from Germany. Double ass crazy, but true. Even assier still is that Gualagon is NOT a movie, but rather an “audioplay.” That’s like a radio broadcast, but without the radio. I see you’re confused. Let’s see if I can make you all happy again.

Seems some guys in Germany are such über fans of Japan’s kaiju movies, they wanted to do one themselves. But making a feature film can be expensive, especially if you don’t have one of those super neat Flip™ cameras you get at Best Buy™. So they decided to do an audioplay version instead, complete with screaming and building smooshing sound effects. (Sounds like they recorded themselves squeezing a few bags of potato chips and slapped a little reverb on it. That’s what I’d do.)

To promote Gualagon, they went so far as to design graphics and even whip up a YouTube™ trailer. (This actually came out a while back, and I’m just now getting around to it. Sorry – I was busy watching paint dry.) They even went so far as to make a movie poster for it – in Japanese. The producers sure went to a lot of trouble to get people to listen to their movie.

The story of Gualagon – while oddly familiar – goes like this: In 1966 during a Deadliest Catch-type storm, a huge sea monster attacks a freighter in the middle of the ocean and wrecks it to death. One survivor confirms it was indeed a giant creature that ate his shipmates. Scientists scratch their butts and contemplate whether or not Gualagon is “an ancient beast from the dawn of time or a ghastly abomination spawned from atomic bomb testing.” Probably a little from column A and a little from column b.

Gualagon makes it to shore and the military finally gets to do something besides practice marching. A spectacular battle ensues, but tanks, missiles and water balloons are all but useless again Gualagon’s octo-onslaught. So yeah, bye bye city.

OK, I get all of that. Stock giant monster scenario, but serviceable. Where it makes you scratch your own butt is with the title, which translated from German says, Gualagon – Frankenstein’s Giant of Terror. I know Frankenstein was/is from Germany and he’s the equivalent of Jesus over there. Sticking the F word in the title really confuses the issue. What a giant radioactive sea monster and Frankenstein have to do with each other is a real butt scratcher. (Those wacky Germans would put Frankenstein’s name on a hot dog if they thought it’d sell more of those tasty/portable breakfast meals.)

OK, if I saw Frankenstein’s name on a package of hot dogs, I’d totally for sure buy it.


Here’s what the Gualagon’s creators have to say about it: “In case you are wondering what Frankenstein has to do with a Toho production, the answer is: Nothing at all. In Germany it was customary during that time to associate the giant monster movies with Frankenstein, because the distributors thought the movie would sell better with that name in the title. In most cases the term Frankenstein was simply dubbed into the synchronisation, usually mentioned only once. By the way, in French speaking countries most of the Godzilla movies had Dracula in the title for the very same reason.”

Now it get it. I still like scratching my butt, though.

Gualagon was spearheaded by Ralf Lorenz, the same exact guy who did Kongula, just so you have a point of reference. Visit their cool website (click HERE) for way more information, tons of cool pictures of Gualagon ripping apart buildings as though they were fake, and the “movie” soundtrack. Pretty righteous of them to go to all that trouble for us kaiju fans. So, like, danke.

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on July 17, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man

First came Tetsuo – The Iron Man (1989). He did not have a red and yellow steel suit and rocket feet. This was a regular guy who instead of putting things like turkey basters or G.I. Joe dolls into his, um, nether regions, he stuck scrap metal up there. One day while out looking for bottle caps to dangle from something, he was run over by some dude out joyriding with his chick. Later, the driver begins to notice he’s come down with a disease — his body is slowly being assimilated by, you guessed it, metal. And not the headbanging kind.

It’s not long before he’s a walking junk yard. Impressive to look at, but not very practical, as his girlfriend finds out. (His wango tango is now an oversized power drill. One of them is  gonna have a good time tonight.)

But the man is mind-moshing to a mad metal world and is turning into walking aluminum foil by the minute. Turns out Mr. Metal is actually being controlled by the metal fetishest he ran over. Nope, not dead, but mega-pissed and out for revenge.

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man

Then came Tetsuo II: Body Hammer (1992). A guy discovers his body is being re-configured into a mechanical weapon. He notices this when he gets really mad. (Best to give him balloons, candy and whistles to keep him happy). After his son is kidnapped by violent criminals, he goes into weapon mode and becomes a gun. Guess what he uses for ammunition? Let’s just say it has nothing to do with tacos.

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man

Now comes Tetsuo: The Bullet Man (2009). This guy has the same name as the first two guys. Astonishingly, they’re not even related, even though all of ’em can turn into machines of mass destruction. You’d think they’d at least be cousins on their mother’s side.

Bullet Man (real name Anthony) is a calm man — until he sees his son run over by a car of all things. (What is it about drivers in Japan? Don’t they have rules about not mowing down pedestrians? Geez.) This triggers violent emotions that, cell by cell, turns his body into an angry configuration of metal that enables him to become a weapon. Nothing to do except go balls out crazy and kill everything.

Tetsuo: The Iron Man

Tetsuo: The Iron Man is one of those Eraserhead-freakly type movies that instantly gained a rabid cult following. Here’s what some movie expert (I forgot to write down his name) wrote about it: “The original 1989 arthouse classic is regarded as one of the most ground-breaking and influential cyberpunk movies to have come out of Japan (or anywhere). Disturbing and nightmarish, it makes use of stop motion, a hardcore industrial soundtrack, and brutally stark imagery so that sitting through the relatively short 67 minutes is quite a challenge.”

You can get all three movies on DVD and put more iron in your diet. They should package them in a giant tuna can, complete with a promotional can opener. That’d be neat.