Bikini vs. The Undead

Onechanbara Bikini Samurai Squad

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad, based on the insanely popular Japanese video game by the same name (I forget what that is), stars Aya, an insanely hot Asian zombie hunter who wears little more than a tight bikini, a cowboy hat, stylish leather boots, a feather boa (to accessorize), floor-length coat (which comes off easily) and packs a magic sword to keep the undead away from her swimsuit area.

And speaking of, the zombies, scientifically created by the D3 Corporation, have all but taken over the world, most of which is now in ruins, with cities looking like half-finished meals. These zombies, however, have martial arts skills, can reason, form gangs and don’t have a single reason to use a toothbrush.

Aya, along with a fat-ass assistant Katsuji, make coleslaw out of the dead, using her trademark flips and spins and ricochet reflexes to separate head from neck, shirt from pants. Showing up to assist is Reika, another hot Asian gal in tight clothes who has blazing guns skills, which are also used to aerate zombie brains. Aya and Reika don’t really get along and even fight amongst themselves, but their skills are too evenly matched, so nothing is settled. (Might I suggested a “winner takes all” hot shower battle scene?)

Onechanbara Bikini Samurai Squad

Aya, though, is on an unstoppable mission: to find the killer of her father: her sister Saki (the girl, not the delicious rice wine that makes you throw up when you drink 12 shots). When Aya and Saki (dressed in a fetching schoolgirl outfit) converge, high-flying, sword-clanging action ensues. This is the part of the movie that looks more like the video game, using the same digital tornado effects and red and blue flaming swords. I didn’t care as much for this as Aya’s bikini made me hold my breath during the fight scene in anticipation of it suddenly being sucked off by the whirling wind tunnel the two girls battle to the death inside of without their hair getting messed up.

Bikini Rest Area

The first half of Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad has great bloodspill moments, but too many emotional segments distract from opportunities to model THE BIKINI. (I.e, Katsuiju finding his zombie little sister and having to kill her, Reika failing to protect another little girl from the undead and having to shoot the pre-teen face-eater like she did her own daughter, blah, blah, blah).

Because of this, I’ll only watch it three or more times.

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