Godzilla’s New Clothes

Godzilla 2012

After the grand failure of Godzilla (1998), it was widely assumed Toho, owners of all things Godzilla, would never let Americans touch their cash cow ever again. Oh sure, it made $379,014,294 globally (I looked it up on Wikipedia, so I’m pretty sure those numbers are accurate), but G-fans everywhere cried foul over the inept handling of one of horror/sci-fi’s greatest icons.

The problems were many, starting with the Godzilla’s new look. Those poke-y things sticking out of his back were cool, but this Godzilla had a bus-shaped head, beady criminal eyes, bounced around like a kangaroo on crack, and had women competition body builder legs. And he ran away from the military. The REAL Godzilla, made large by human ’n butter sandwiches, would never turn tail from artillery. (He’s so fat, he can’t run, let alone jog.)

Godzilla 2012

So it comes as a surprise that the Japanese are letting us take another crack at Godzilla, a new movie due out in 2013. And the concept art of how our favorite skyscraper-eater looks is starting to make the rounds. First impression: kick ass. (G-sculpture by Hector A. Arce.)

Godzilla 2012 looks more like Godzilla 1954, but with a thicker neck (steroids) and improved radioactive breath. He has a sleeker, more reptilian face, and looks like a modern Godzilla should – not like a mutated gecko in a Speedo that was Godzilla 1998.

Godzilla 1954

And while we’re on the subject, one of the other problems of the American remake was the movie’s sub-plot, which involved a dumb blonde and Ferris Bueller. Too much time was spent on their relationship and not enough on knocking buildings over, which is why we go see Godzilla movies in the first place. And really, when you come right down to it, the only dialogue people should have in Godzilla movies is, “Aiyeeeeeee!”

Godzilla 2012

This is our chance to make up for the debacle of 1998. Let’s hope the new producers have learned what not to do and will make something worthy of Godzilla’s legacy.

P.S. Please put me in this movie. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease!

9 Responses to “Godzilla’s New Clothes”


  2. Anonymous Says:

    cant wait to see it ive been watching and a fan of godzilla since i was 4, if it anything like final wars i would love it, hope us americans dont mess up again.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    I wonder if all his foes and friends get into this movie

  4. Anonymous Says:

    they should put every godzilla monster and make a war

  5. Anonymous Says:

    This Movie Better have good human Actors, I hope Hans Zimmer Is the music producer

  6. Anonymous Says:

    No they should have went with mecha godzila

  7. idk, i think another rematch with King Ghidora would be fun to watch again. Not to mention maybe Space-Godzilla, ah what the heck, i say through them all in there and make another Destroy All Monster movie lol

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