Human Centipede: Mouthful of Ick

The Human Centipede

A centipede is a pencil-long wiggly anthropod with shoe-less legs that range anywhere from 20 to 300, depending on whether said bug is a freakin’ mutant.

A human centipede has six arms and six legs and is approximately 16-17 feet in length. Other distinguishing features include faces grafted to buttholes, with only one incoming and one outgoing mail chute. It is neither male nor female, yet both. So far there isn’t a can of Raid™ big enough to keep this thing from getting in your cupboards.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence is a “shocking” horror movie involving a German doctor living in seclusion who has been experimenting with creating one gastronomical tube through three human bodies. To do that he needs to sew Subject B’s mouth to the Hershey Highway of Subject A, and like Leggos™ add on another mouth to the swinging back door of Subject B, thereby becoming Subject C. (Don’t worry if you can’t keep up with all this medical jargon – the pictures will help.)

The Human Centipede

Dr. Heiter lucks out when two American college girls end up on his doorstep after their car breaks down on the way to a party where they had planned to drink, dance and get felt up by foreign dudes. Drugging their water while they “wait for a tow truck,” the country doc puts them on surgical tables downstairs where he already has a Japanese guy who can’t speak a lick of English or German, strapped down and prepped for butt surgery.

And here’s where The Human Centipede: First Sequence denies us our rights. They show before the surgery. They show after the surgery. But they don’t show us any medical procedures that would make your face shrivel up like a rotted plum. If you’re gonna do a movie about connecting people’s faces to couch cushions, then put it on the glass. Geez.

The Human Centipede

The Japanese guy is the lucky one as he has two hot chicks chasing his tail (heh). He screams and yells, but since it’s in a different language, the doctor pretty much ignores him. The girls, on the other hand, are unable to talk. That’s because it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full. (Funny, though I apologize.)

The ONLY time this movie takes us to that dark place is when the Japanese guy eats and then eventually has to go to the bathroom that is the girl’s mouths. Eeewww! You don’t actually get to see any wrongness, but you do get some sound effects and facial expressions that’ll give you the dry heaves. A couple detectives show up and see the medical abomination. This scenario ends quickly, but not how you’d expect. In the end (sorry) only one person remains alive. And it’s not who you think it is.

The Human Centipede

The Human Centipede: First Sequence is definitely shocking in nature. I just don’t understand why you’d go to all that trouble and not show the details. Everybody is wrapped in bandages, so you’re left to your own imagination. Mine’s pretty warped, so yeah, I gooned myself out. You’ll have to do that all on your own, though, if you want anything satisfying out of this experience.

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