Archive for the Science Fiction Category

Undead Conjugal Visits

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Men Walking

It begins with a guy with a shotgun turning zombie heads into salsa. Of course, the cops think he’s a serial murderer and arrest him before he can shoot himself, because seconds before the cops bust in, some zombie goo backwash splattered in the guy’s mouth. Those of us who have seen zombies in action know it’s game over, man.

Dead Men Walking

They haul the guy away to the Harwood Maximum Security Prison (conveniently located on a main downtown street) and take him to the prison doctor because he’s coughing, drooling and throwing up all over those spotless prison floors. He sneezes on the docs face and spits up black blood on other prisoners. That is so unsociable as to be downright rude.

Dead Men Walking

Like dominos, those now infected with the biotoxin virus are converting to a new religion: the incarcerated dead. From here on out it’s tired zombie meat ’n eats, although the gore is plentiful and looks a lot like the gravy surprise they serve at the prison every Friday.

Dead Men Walking

FEMA calls and puts the prison under quarantine. A CDC representative (i.e., chick with matching blouse and skirt) is stuck inside, along with the warden’s plump ’n juicy son, who looks like a menu item at the next zombie prison picnic. Guts are liberated from torsos; blood vomit decorates the walls like an abstract painting (possible Dali); prison guards are being eaten and turning into prisoners of their own skin gobbling hunger.

Dead Men Walking

As true with all zombie flicks, everyone dies. As will a part of you if you forfeit above ground time watching the paint-by-numbers Dead Men Walking (2005).

The More The Carrier

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carriers

A virus – or “plague” – has swept the landscape. If you’re infected, you’re soon dead as there is no quick fix. If you’re not gooned out, you have to wipe everything down with bleach. (That stuff will burn your eyes if you use too much.) If someone looks OK, assume that they aren’t and kill them. Twice, if you have time.

Carriers

Brothers Danny and Brian, along with their girlfriends (OK, Danny isn’t really seeing the chick tagging along, but who else is left on Earth to date?), are as yet not externally bleeding. They’re heading to the ocean where it’s clean. Hopefully.

Carriers

Along the way, a tense encounter with a man and his sick two-year old daughter results in them all traveling together, the new passengers sealed off with plastic tarp and masking tape in the back of Sick Car, everyone else with dust masks in relative comfort up front. The plan is to head to a rumored town up ahead where there was a wonder vaccine that showed promise and a working bathroom. Outta luck and out of service.

Carriers

The kid coughs on Brian’s girlfriend. Too bad she didn’t tell Brian. Too bad Brian likes to make out with her. Too bad he has to break up with her (i.e., leaving her on the side of the road). Once contracted, the disease does a slow burn, rotisserie browning your face, leaving your eyeballs as red as the aftermath of a Jack Daniels™ Box Social.

Carriers

But like all heartwarming pandemic stories, Carriers (2009) comes to a predictable end that, while sufficiently enacted, leaves you wanting more virus rot. In other words, it should’ve made you sicker, but in a good way.

Star Wars For 25 Cents

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , on April 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Satrfighter

Alex Rogan, a teenager with big dreams, lives in a trailer in a trailer court. That’s where I’d put a trailer. He plays The Last Starfighter arcade game there, not realizing it was a recruitment device sent to find guys who could handle their own in an interstellar space war between Ko-Dan Armada and the Rylan Star League. (Sounds like an astronomy club bowling team.)

The Last Starfighter

His high score earns him a visit from Centauri, who looks like a 50-something human, but isn’t, and asks him to go for a ride. (Hold your jokes.) Alex is zoomed off into outer space where he is asked to help defend the Galaxy against Xur and his invading alien army.

The Last Satrfighter

So it comes down to this: stay in space, defend the Frontier and get to blast the enemy with lasers shot from his own spaceship called the Gunstar (way cool name – I’m gonna call my car that), or go back to the trailer park and dream of everything except going into outer space to kill stuff. Thankfully, Alex comes to his senses and releases his inner Gunstar.

The Last Satrfighter

The Last Starfighter (1984), a Star Wars (1977) knock-off, is mostly kid sci-fi, but entertaining the way playing a video game is without needing to bum quarters.

Mutant Snow

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Glacier (The Station)

Blood Glacier. Sounds like a medical condition.

Doctor “Big Finger” Lindermund: “Mr. Gilbert, your lab results are in and they came back positive – you have…Blood Glacier.”

Me: “No big – a chili cheese grande burrito will melt that sucker out.”

Rite-Aid™ and Taco Bell™ – they have all my bases covered.

Blood Glacier (The Station)

Blood Glacier (The Station), a chilling (because it’s in the Alps) horror sci-fi thriller diller, arrives in the States on May 2, 2014. Apparently, the movie’s been bumming around Europe for a while now. Like I care about anything outside my zip code. But hey, I’ll give it a spin, mostly because the plot borrows heavily from a half-dozen other horror movies. If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it. Here’s the overly familiar scenario…

Blood Glacier (The Station)

“At a climate research station in the Alps, scientists are stunned as the nearby melting glacier is leaking a red liquid. It quickly turns to be very special juice – with unexpected genetic effects on the local wildlife.”

Sounds like they opened A Taco Bell™ in Switzerland.

Giant Tropical Spiders

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Arachnid

In Arachnid’s (2001) believability-testing opening sequence, a stealth fighter pilot encounters a water spout in the middle of one of the oceans and flies in for a closer look. And by look, I mean to shoot it. This results in Nature winning the skirmish and pilot blows up his very expensive aircraft and parachuting to safety on a small island where he is eaten by a giant something-or-rather.

Arachnid

A chartered aeroplane filled with scientists, island natives, foreign-talking people and the acceptably attractive sister of the eaten pilot also crash land their malfunctioning flying machine on the very same island. It doesn’t take long for Smart Car™ sized insects to turn up and start munching on human flesh.

Arachnid

One guy gets caught up in its web and is injected with some sort of paralysis cream. When the others find him, he’s covered up to the neck in a vaguely familiar white sticky substance. (Could this be one of those porn spiders I keep hearing about on the news?) The spider looks authentic enough, but nothing to write to Spider-Man™ about.

Arachnid

For an alien spider movie, though, Arachnid was quite the yawner. Make movie about a giant demon grasshopper and you’ve got my attention.

Keeping an Eye on Sci-Fi

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beast With 1,000,000 Eyes

The “beast” in The Beast With 1,000,000 Eyes (1955) is really an alien, at times represented as a blinking soup can that acts as housing for irritating mind waves.

The Beast With 1,000,000 Eyes

This morphing soup can, um, alien doesn’t have a million eyes on its own space face. Rather, it overtakes birds, dogs, barnyard animals, and even a steer (cow on steroids), to “see” for him.

The Beast With 1,000,000 Eyes

So instead of finding the nearest girl’s locker room, the extraterrestrial dumbass attacks a farming family who bitch and argue so much, you’d wish they’d just stab each other in the pig pen with pitchforks.

The Beast With 1,000,000 Eyes

The alien makes life even more uncomfortable for the Kelly family, who has a mute worker living on their property, doing glamorous chores like licking chicken eggs clean enough for market and turning cow pies when the sun cooks ’em to a nice pancake brown.

The Beast With 1,000,000 Eyes

Under the control of The Soup, the minimum wage mute goes after the hot teen daughter, setting off a chain of events that is right up there with watching water heat on the stove. Why the alien didn’t mind-control a common pterodactyl or a C.H.U.D. was a serious misstep that resulted in everyone yawning in its general direction.

Aliens On A Train

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on March 25, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Express

A meteorite forces a train carrying what could be our next President to stop, thereby letting the meteor aliens onto the vehicle – without a ticket. Not cool, aliens. A cop who suspects aliens are on the train has a puppet helicopter fly him over it so he can drop down and arrest those dang thangs. To complicate matters, the puppet train is about to rear-end another puppet train up ahead carrying puppet radioactive waste.

Alien Express

These extraterrestrials are quite possibly the worst looking space creatures this side of those boot-crushable fuzzballs in Gremlins (1984). They have cartoon-sized plastic teeth, growl like an unfed stomach and zip around so fast as to be almost invisible. Besides a taste for human flesh, their blood is methane, or “farts.” When the creatures are lit, they do the blue flame mambo and explode.

Alien Express

The dialogue should count as comedy it’s so bad (“We’ve got to get those aliens somehow…and we’ve got to do it NOW!”). The “you’ve got to be kidding me” ending of Alien Express (2005) is but whipped cream on this turd sundae.

Blood Monkeys Out For Blood

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on March 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Monkey

Six anthropology graduate students go to Africa to assist the esteemed Professor Hamilton as he documents crotch-swelling exciting flora and fauna.

Blood Monkey 2

Unknown to the students who bring their cell phones – even though they’re going into uncharted jungles – is that Hamilton has discovered an undocumented primate species that’s super-intelligent, super aggressive and super mad at anything human. He wants to be the first to catalog these killer apes and needs the students as bait seeing how his other assistants have been eaten alive by the gore-rillas. (I invented that name – no one better take it.)

Blood Monkey

The best scene comes when everyone settles into their tents and it starts raining. But it isn’t water – it’s monkey pee! A whole bunch of apes are in the trees, pissing on the tents. Damn, that was funny. Gives a whole new definition to acid rain, it does.

Blood Monkey

It’s right here Blood Monkey (2007) slips on a banana. Trapped in a cave, the last two students have wandered into the gorilla’s condo, and we finally we get to see the monster monkey – for exactly two seconds, then right into the credits. Adding to the insult, the monster monkey looks like the title character from Donkey Kong. I’m so mad, if there was a tent around, I’d totally go number one on it.

Aliens vs. Rednecks

Posted in Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Altered

Fifteen years ago some young boys were out hunting and ran into some aliens wanting to play “probe the redneck.” Thankfully, they don’t show this. Now potty-mouthed adults with mullets and guns, they manage to track and trap one o’ them gol’durn aliens and make him pay for killing one of their friends and messing up the mind of another.

Altered

They wrap it in tarp, bind it in chains and put a welder’s mask on it so that its thought beams can’t shoot out and get you. They bring the alien to the house of the sole abductee survivor for a little R&R (revenge and retribution). It’s here this entertaining film turns up the fun volume.

Altered

If the alien bites you, you’re cooked. Literally. Like a Komodo dragon, the infected wound eats you up from the inside until you’re begging for someone to put a bullet in your rotting face. The best scene comes when one of the aliens plays tug-of-war with human intestines still attached.

Altered

Loosely based on the TRUE Travis Walton UFO incident in 1975 where Travis was actually sucked into a UFO (OK, that didn’t sound right), Altered (2006) is as taut as a stretched intestine. Though it was directed by one of the people behind The Blair Witch Project (1999), one of the worst horror movies of all time and space, Altered, with an alien that seems to like Earth bathrooms, is a probing good time.

Altered

Vampires Bite Uranus

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloodsuckers

For a movie about vampires to call itself Bloodsuckers (2005) makes you wonder who got paid to come up with it. If it was more than a dollar, they were over-paid. Fortunately, someone kinda sort a fixed it when the made-for-TV sci-fi flick was retitled Vampire Wars: Battle For The Universe. Still dumb, but not Bloodsuckers dumb.

In the future we find that the universe is being scourged by a snack-pack variety of vampires. Teams of vampire hunters roam the galaxy and shout “lock ’n load, people” pseudo-military slogans and do a lot of synchronized posing.

Bloodsuckers

One such team has a hot vampire chick working with them (she can smell vampire B.O., even in space), who has to drink plasma (space term for blood) instead of “snecking.” (Snacking on necks.)

Bloodsuckers

They land on an abandoned planet, only to discover the place is overrun with dozens, maybe even a hundred dozen vampires. Seems some disenchanted Earth people have teamed up with the vampires to eliminate humans throughout the star system because they’re fed up with humans acting so aggressively towards EVERYTHING.

Bloodsuckers

No flinching on the gore and cannibalism (some vampires eat the flesh of their victims as though it were Red Vines™), and if you can put up with the painful dialogue (“That their genetics were merged by the vampirazation process was of profound interest.”) you’ll be rewarded with a talking chest-burster parasite (i.e., phallic-shaped sock puppet), and the super hot vampire chick offering to have sex with the captain to get him to relax.

Bloodsuckers

Because sex with a vampire can be fatal (I’m willing to risk it), she does the whole “tantric non-touching” space boot-knocking that’s alledgedly mind-blowing. Thanks, but in the future I’ll stick with making out with a lunar chick in the back seat of my space pod. (I hope I can afford one of those in the future. Space pod, not a lunar chick.)

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