Archive for the Science Fiction Category

The Dead Eating The Dead

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , on August 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Creatures

Dead Creatures (2001) is a somewhat intriguing story of a group of transient chicks afflicted with a strange disease that makes them decompose over time while still being able to gossip and shop. The kicker is that to stay alive they can only digest human flesh (prepared with a little Hamburger Helper™, to make it palatable). I’m OK with that. I don’t know why.

Dead Creatures

A happy enough premise, but the hard gore has been edited out and how the ladies became rotten is never really explained. Furthering the confusion is a man who apparently hunts down homeless teens, ties them up in his basement, and wants answers. Then he shoots them through the back of the head with a nail gun. You hear it, but you don’t get to see it. Bummer.

Dead Creatures

There’s no build up, no tension, no empathy for the characters whose skin peels off like an old orange and/or mango, no great lines to quote at social functions and/or Tupperware™ parties. Another tragic case of DVD box art being better than the movie it showcases.

Sci-Fi Squared

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , on August 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cube

Six people wake up in 26×26-foot square rooms with no windows, coffee tables or recollection on how they got there. (I refer to this as King County’s drunk tank.) They soon discover there are many such “cubes” linked by way of a small portal, accessed through submarine-type doors.

Cube

Some cubes are “safe” while others are booby-trapped with really gnarly death devices. (The opening scene is quite picturesque as a guy gets sliced into handy serving portions by a grid of razor-thin/sharp wire.)

Cube

Each has a skill that, if everyone would quit pissing and moaning and pool their resources, they could possibly find a way out. There’s a wife-beating cop, a mousy mathematician, a paranoid VD doctor, a lethargic engineer, a pragmatic jail-break escape artist, and a mentally-handicapped guy who can’t stop flicking his own ear. Sounds like the last call crowd.

Cube

The arithmetic chick calculates they’re inside an even bigger cube and that there are well over 17,500 rooms in all. And guess what – not one bathroom! Things get deliciously nasty as the uncooperative group tries to figure out how to get out of this Rubik’s Cube of Doom without getting sliced into handy serving portions.

No nudity, but lots of swearing and suspense. Don’t be a square – watch Cube (1997) today.

Science Sharks

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deep Blue Sea

In a bid to discover a cure for brain defects without using Budweiser™, a team of sea scientists genetically tinker with the thinkers of Mako sharks in order to extract their brain juice for a possible non-HMO supported cure.

Deep Blue Sea

Unforeseen is the nasty side-effect  – the sharks become smarter than the puny air-breathers. They hunt in packs (not six packs, as there are only three of ’em). They formulate strategies. They make dangling limb runs to 7-Ocean Eleven. (Heh.) And they scarf down flavorful humans as if they were popcorn shrimp.

Deep Blue Sea

Trapped in the sinking Aquatica (a floating science facility in the middle of the ocean), the doctors are systematically torn into seaweed as the 25-foot ragged-tooth sharks strap on the feedbag and sit down to a plentiful nine-course buffet.

Deep Blue Sea

Comparisons to Jaws are kept to a minimum (although a chick doctor in stylish panties and bra dispatches one chew boy by using an electric cable, ala Jaws 2/1978), and the human doggy bags are shown being gorged on in all their acting-with-your-mouth-full glory.

Deep Blue Sea (1999) is thin on plot, fat on action and full of lean, mean biting machines. Kinda makes you hungry just thinking about it.

In Your Face, Matrix

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 1, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Casshern

In the future, Europe and Asia are kicking each other’s butt cracks over the course of a 50 year war. The result left half the planet covered with irradiated citizens called the Original Humans (found in the Sector 7 aisle at your future supermarket). Poverty, famine, disease… It’s a happy time for all.

Casshern

Meanwhile, an Eastern Alliance geneticist has been working on perfecting the Neo-Cell, an organism that will cure any disease (like neck herpes) and instantly heal wounds (like a bad chest wound). It will also regrow limbs to be reattached in the event they come unattached. Oops – the missing gene component can only be found in (wait for it) Original Humans, their sworn enemies. Snap!

Casshern

Casshern (2004) is a pant-mutating marvel; Its staggering vision and visuals are a cross between live action, Japanimation and manga. And they must have found extra colors to make this with as the blood is extra bloody, the machines extra machine-y and the mutants extra mutant-y.

Casshern

You’ll get lost in the narrative if you allow yourself to be distracted by the shininess (yep, guilty), but the story is epic and the visuals will make your face fall off. Don’t worry – with Neo-Cells it can easily be re-attached.

Jersey Devil vs Carnival Freaks

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carny

The Jersey Devil, a red-eyed creature with bat wings, a horse face, hooves, and a spiked tale, was caught and sold to a freak show carnival, where the circus ringmaster plans on exploiting the flesh-hungry beast for monetary gains. I feel this is a good business model.

Carny

Meanwhile, the small town Sheriff is warned by the local “fire ’n brimstone” preacher to keep the “Lord’s mistakes” out of their bible-fearing community. That just seems prejudice to me; who could possibly be threatened by a man with two faces or a Leopard Woman with spots all over her body? At least she uses a litter box.

Carny

Assured that the mythical beast is sedated and poses no threat to the community or easily-stained clothing, the show goes on. You are simply not gonna believe what happens next. During the performance, the monster gets loose and goes after some teens in the woods. Yeah, I totally didn’t see it coming, either.

Carny

Like the Jersey Devil, the pastor is out for blood. He rallies all the gun-toting red necks in town for an outdoor BBQ with the freak show cast being the grilled treats. The pastor manages to kill the flying devil, its “dead” body dragged outside where the locals can have their picture taken with it. Wouldn’t be fun if Jersey just laid there, so it comes back to life and goes back to taking lives.

 

Carny

Speaking of, the creature, about the size of a regular devil dog, but with wings and bigger teeth, doesn’t look too digital. This is good, because he has a reputation to live up to. If he doesn’t do his job, then the easily-frightened folks of Pine Barrens will start believing in Bigfoot or some other tourist generating monster. And that’s not good business sense.

Carny

Flying around like a bomber seagull, Jersey buzzes the now-flaming carnival and ends up face to face with the preacher. The outcome? Let’s just say the Holy Man is now a “hole-y” man. Heh. In all, Carny (2009) has more blood than originally forecast, with several decent dismemberments and real-time autopsies as performed by JD.

Satan’s Serpent vs. Rap

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lockjaw

All it took to summon a snake creature from the butthole of Hell was the Kulev Stick and some incredibly dense teens.

Lockjaw

The I.D.Ts driving around in a monster truck plow over some guy’s wife. Insta-widow guy uses the Kulev Stick (a No. 2 lead pencil with mystical properties) to bring forth a bus-long half/snake, half alligator. This “snalligator” is called Vengeance, and puts the squeeze on whoever’s likeness is drawn on special toilet paper.

Lockjaw

Taking the framework from Pumpkinhead (1988), LockJaw (aka Carnivorous, Carnivorous DMX and Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent/2008) changes the landscape only slightly by adding a rap guy (DMX) with thug tattoos and a bazooka (!) to do battle with the snalligator.

Lockjaw

The only sex scene has the blonde supermodel going to Boner City while wearing her under garments, the movie’s best special effect. The wiggly beast doesn’t have any lines, but manages to kill/eat several people. The bazooka, it should be noted, takes second place to a homemade weapon one of the teens (“with an engineering degree”) builds: a table lamp with kitchenware taped to it.

Lockjaw

While it never actually gets used, I bet that thing would’ve caused some serious damage. The only other impairment occurs from watching this painfully bad movie.

Space Termites

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Apocalypse

After 40 years in hyper sleep during an exploratory space journey, Ivan Hood (played by the immortal Bruce Campbell) can’t wait to see the future.

He envisioned a utopian society and making lots of money pimpin’ out his skills as a chiropractor. But what he and his space mates of two chicks and another guy discover is that the Earth has been appropriated by seven-foot tall termites that have enslaved the human race to work in sawmills, harvesting lumber to ship back to the bug planet as take-out food.

Alien Apocalypse

Ivan escapes the insect overlords and encounters longhairs living in the woods outside of the reach of termite tyranny. These pacifists won’t help him overthrow the aliens because they like their lifestyle of hanging out in the forest and drinking potato liquor and listening to some crunchy grooves. Just as I suspected – future hippies.

Alien Apocalypse

Through their slacker conversations Ivan finds out the President lives in the Cascade Mountains and will one day lead the revolt against the buggers. So Ivan and a few hippies (including one really hot chick in a leather thong) go to find him. And find him they do, living with the rest of Congress and being nothing more than talking gas bags as they can’t seem to pass a bill banning illegal aliens.

Alien Apocalypse

But it’s all too flat as the entire plot of Alien Apocalypse (2005) runs out of space originality after the first ten minutes. If you’re not gonna spend time on head-eating violence, then we need to get back to the other important plot message: the chick in the leather thong.

P.S. Looks like District 9 (2009) borrowed more than a cup of sugar from Alien Apocalypse for their alien’s termite look…

Alien Apocalypse

 

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