Archive for the Science Fiction Category

Swamp Things

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bog Creatures

A history professor  needs to verify his theories that a race of totally mean army guys called Berserkers (looking like they just stepped out of Supercuts™) existed to do nothing but chase shirtless chicks around and use their blood for some sort of ritual. So he sends five lippy college kids out into the swamp to dig up remains.

Bog Creatures

During the dig a frightened chick is discovered, her camp in disarray and her tight shirt barely clinging for life. The forest poop and rummage sale clothed Bog Creatures, unhappy that their rituals were interrupted for a few hundred years, begin again, rise and go berserk on the twerps.

Bog Creatures

In an “almost didn’t see it coming” twist (insert roll-y eyed sarcasm here), the frightened chick turns out to be a descendant of the priestess doing all the rituals back in the day, and is responsible for gassing up the Boggy Men. “Look at me—I raised the dead…and I didn’t even finish grad school!” she gleefully proclaims. Good for her.

Bog Creatures

Bog Creatures (2003) are as threatening as mud puddles and the students deserve a failing grade for thinking they could act their way out of the swamp.

Space Turtle vs. Space Squid

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Destroy All Planets

I’ve always wanted to destroy all planets. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine. Some aliens in ping-pong ball shaped spaceships painted to look like bumblebees taped together have the same idea. I had it first, though.

Gamera, being the giant space turtle an self-appointed Guardian of the Universe, intervenes and jams his head into the spaceship and makes it explode. Just before Gamera did that, though, the aliens got off a signal telling their home planet that Gamera is now their enemy. Well, duh.

Destroy All Planets

Back on Earth, two boy scout kids are visiting Marine Land (or whatever its called) and get aboard a mini-sub. That they’re able to fire it up and figure out the controls is a testimony to the Federation of Boy Scouts. Today’s scouts are tomorrow’s neckerchief-wearing sub commanders.

Destroy All Planets

While underwater, they see Gamera and race him. Gamera could totally win, but he LOVES horsing around with them, and at one point even looks like he’s smiling. But a second ping-pong ball spaceship arrives and snags the mini-sub in a “super catch ray.” Crap – it worked on Gamera, too!

Destroy All PlanetsThe boys are taken aboard the ship and Gamera’s brain waves are scanned for clues as to his weakness: children. Gamera loves kids so much, he won’t stomp on them or eat them raw.

Destroy All Planets

Eventually the super catch ray weakens and Gamera escapes. But the aliens threaten to kill the boys if Gamera does not allow them to attach a brain-controlling device on his big turtle-y head. This device makes Gamera do the Riverdance™ all over Tokyo, smecking (smashing and wrecking) plaster buildings, balsawood bridges and cardboard dams.

Destroy All Planets

Meanwhile, the boys are causing hell for the Virans aboard their own spacecraft. They find a squid monster and think it, like Gamera, was captured as well. The joke’s on them – it’s Viras, the mutli-tentacled leader of the Virans. Double crap! The resourceful scouts, though, manage to help free Gamera, who then proceeds to make destruction happen on the aliens.

Destroy All Planets

Viras kicks into high-gear and grows to the size of Gamera (approximately 2,160 inches) and the two knock boots, but not in a good way. Gamera wins. Gamera ALWAYS wins. When Destroy All Planets came out in 1968 it was called Gamera Vs. Outer Space Monster Viras. It should’ve been titled Gamera Kicks Your Space Face In.

This Dragon Is A Drag

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on March 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dragon Fighter

In the blandly-titled Dragon Fighter (2003), a Russian scientist with a German accent is being transported to a top-secret underground lab to experiment with Jurassic Park cloning techniques. Seems they have an actual dragon from the days in the past when flying, fire-farting reptiles were part of the social system.

Dragon Fighter

They revive the leapin’ lizard and it goes on a rampage, burning up the underground laboratory with all the digital effects flame he can muster. Later, the dragon pursues a helicopter, thinking its a potential booty call.

Dragon Fighter

Does he get lucky? Nope. And neither will you if you watch this lazy attempt at combining sci-fi with reality.

Undead Cinderella

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cadaverella

Cadaverella (2007) is a trailer park re-telling of Cinderella (1950), with the wicked stepmother being a step-stripper, a ghost dad, a romantic guy in a wheelchair and a voodoo entity that seems like a pretty cool guy. He doesn’t do anything evil; he just creates situations where evil  can hit the fan. I wonder if he has a Facebook™ page?

Cadaverella

Any ol’ way, Cinder is a redhead virgin about to turn 21, where she’s due to inherit a pile of cash from her late father. The step-stripper mother, though, has designs for said cash and hires/beds a tough guy as a “gardener” who is obsessed with having sex with, then killing, Cinder. He does this.

Cadaverella

Cinder, though, with help from the voodoo guy, is resurrected from the beyond and gets a shot at revenge by giving her until midnight to go revengin’. She initially does this topless, which is required by back-from-the-dead law.

Cadaverella

You know how as a kid you’d go around squeezing the brains out of your little brother/sister? That’s what Cinder does to step-mom. And the psycho guy gets his right in the gut bucket.

Cadaverella

Cinder looks like a Wal-Mart™ version of your sister and has really nice shirt stuffers. Before she dies, she gives below-the-equator hand and mouth massages to her wheelchair-bound boyfriend. That is so thoughtful. Oh, and she cusses a lot. Dead or alive, you’ll really want to go out with her. Unless she’s your sister. In which case, eewww!

 

Sci-Fi Virgin

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 10, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Am A Virgin

A tongue-in-lower-cheek spoof of I Am Legend (2007), which was a spoof of Omega Man (1971), which was a spoof of The Last Man on Earth (1964), I Am Virgin (2010) is a sub-budget “sci-fi” movie set three years into the future after a virus wipes out everybody except a young guy named Robby.

I Am Virgin

All other survivors are ultra-horny vampires who suck everything except blood. Robby, the son of ultra-strict religious parents who drilled it into his head that sex and women will lead to the destruction of all mankind (they were almost right about that one), watches porn by night and searches for the right woman by day, bemoaning his virgin status on video blogs, which he posts daily.

I Am Virgin

How the internet and electricity is still functioning after three years is anyone’s guess. But sci-fi doesn’t have to explain anything to you, man.

I Am Virgin

Robby won’t give in, though, believing that the right woman might have survived the Armageddon and that he’ll someday find her. With his luck, she’ll turn out to be a lesbian.

Goth Airlines

Posted in Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Satan death metal thrash Goth rocker Slade Craven is performing a concert – in the cargo hold aboard a 747 commercial flying machine. This means the cockpit is now the mosh pit. The first-ever airborne heavy metal gig is also being simulcast on the Internet, or “world wide web.”

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Shortly after take-off the show begins, with Craven looking like a cross between Marilyn Manson and that white-faced vampire thing in Subspecies (1991). In the background, a law-pursued hacker manages to hack his way into the web TV’s mainframe to watch the concert for free. (I totally bet it was my neighbor.)

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

During the show something goes wrong besides the concept; Craven shoots the pilot – and personal baggage is NOT stored safely in the overhead compartment. Seems an imposter Craven – a real devil-worshipper – is hijacking the plane with the plan to crash it into a specific church in Kansas, reputed to be the gateway to Hell, thereby letting out all the stink demons. (No wonder Dorothy wanted out of that town so bad.)

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

The hacker sees all of this on his screen, as does the FBI, and the race is on to save a plane load of really stupid-looking Goth rocker fans from a fate they deserve for dressing so stupid.

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Wild twists and cool shifts in plotting turn this preposterous premise into a real headbanger. At the very least, no one can accuse Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001) of being clichéd. FYI: The ending is worth three times the DVD rental. I won’t spoil it so as to not ruin your heavy metal dreams. And hey, death metal songs to sing along with!

UFOs and Corduroy Sweaters

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hangar 18

When three astronauts on a routine space shuttle mission deploy a satellite and it crashes into a UFO, there sure are a lot of red faces in outer spaces. (Heh.)

The resulting explosion sent shrapnel through one of the astronauts, cleanly severing his head/helmet. I don’t mean to disrespect our space program, but the image of the astronaut’s floating body and nearby spinning head was one of those LOL moments.

Hangar 18

The UFO crashes to Earth where scientists try and figure out where the batteries go. The unsevered astronauts land the shuttle and take off in sweaters and corduroys to find the truth/crashed UFO. Trying to stop them is the evil branch of the C.I.A., who seem to have more expendable agents than satellites.

Hangar 18

The scientists, though, are having more luck, having successfully transcribed alien language, only to find out Earth is targeted for an invasion. We’re safe – once they see our stylish sweaters and slick corduroys, they’ll think Earth is far more advanced, and head to some other drab planet.

Hangar 18

Other than the clothes, the magnificently dull Hangar 18 (1980) should have spent less time on the chase scenes and more time on the spinning severed head.

You Are Future Food

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tooth and Nail

Yet another butt-numbingly boring “life in the post-apocalyptic” survival tale. Tooth and Nail (2007) is set in the not-too-distant future where the world has run out of gas and those who don’t shrivel up and die instantly are either pansy-ass Foragers or cannibalistic Rovers. When the two opposing viewpoints meet over dinner, guess who’s gonna be this week’s mystery meat?

Tooth and Nail

Set in stinky U.S. city, it’s not explained why the Rovers have Australian accents and all wear trench coats, which is even more clichéd is their weaponry. C’mon – aren’t there any cool guns left laying around after the world goes to crap that you’d resort to using a spiked baseball bat to get your point across?

Tooth and Nail

A hot young gal leads the pro-wrestler sized Rovers, who do whatever she tells them to. Yeah, that’ll happen in the future. And the last of-age hottie standing after the Rovers have eaten all of the Foragers decides she’s had enough, smears war-paint on her face, and takes on the finger-licking hungry men.

Tooth and Nail

And if you’re gonna eat people at least show it. And what’s with no nudity? Don’t women take their clothes off in the future? Yawn, stretch, scratch lower groin, go wash hands, yawn again, check fridge, and wait for the next Netflix™ movie to come in the mail.

Killer Sunshine

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sunshine

God blew out the candles on His birthday cake, the Sun. So in 2057 the space mission Icarus II is heading for the dwindling fireball with a nuclear bomb the size of Manhattan in hopes that it’ll re-ignite the bonfire so that those sun-dependant Earth wads won’t freeze their Old Navy™ pants off.

Sunshine

That was the plan for Icarus I, but it got lost in space in 2050 and wasn’t able to complete the mission. So seven years later Icarus II is almost there, and out of friggin’ nowhere they get a signal from Icarus 1. After much deliberation, they decide to go check it out in the hopes that their payload joined with theirs will increase their chances for success. This is where space dookey hits the space fan.

Sunshine

Both ships are so close to the sun they need to have their shields up so they won’t make like bacon. One catastrophic problem after another plagues the crew, who’ve calculated there’s only enough air for four people to complete the mission. That means the crew of seven (the eighth got barbecued during a space walk) have to make some hardass choices. If I was onboard I’d vote to get rid of everyone except me and the chick-o-nauts.

Sunshine

The ship’s computer has been sabotaged. The air lock is destroyed. They’re running out of air. There’s only one spacesuit – and it rides up too high in the crotch. Things get incredibly intense as the ship nears the sun (or “hot ball”). By now the crew knows they’re expendable, but have to complete the mission – which only has a projected 45% success rate – or the whole world will turn into a human ice cream freezer.

Sunshine

Sunshine (2007) is one of the more realistic sci-fi films this side of Planet of the Apes. The sun surface visuals are just what I imagine it to be in my dreams, as is the insurmountable problems the crew has to keep dealing with. Pillow-biting insane doesn’t begin to describe the lunar drama or atmospheric action. (Note: please don’t bite pillows…unless you’re in prison.)

Sunshine

Chris Evans, who played The Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies, also stars. Ironic, given that he could flame on and save everyone the hassle if he only had his super powers in this flick. But that was the director’s call, not mine.

Bionic Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Megafoot

If it isn’t already, my head must be shaped like a Tootsie Pop™ because I’m a sucker for movies with titles like Megafoot, an upcoming killer thriller about Bigfoot that’s half bionic, clanking around the woods, making threatening overtures towards all it encounters.

I would like to be a cherry-flavored sucker, please.

Megafoot isn’t a done deal, however. The filmmakers are trying to raise money via social fundraising a IndieGoGo™. Great. There’s goes rent. And why? Just to see a part cyborg/part Bigfoot movie? Hell to the yes.

Like beer in a sufficiently cooled refrigerator, the plot is near to irresistible: “A highly classified experiment accidentally unleashes a top secret killing machine known as Megafoot. Now it’s up to an elite squad of soldiers to track down the beast and kill it before it destroys everyone and everything in its path.”

“A married couple, a group of college students, the scientists who know the truth, and some not-too friendly locals are about to confront their worst nightmare in this action-packed, horror thriller, gore ride.”

Gore ride. How, I ask you, can you NOT be slobbering all over yourself in anticipation?

Time to flavor up – you know what to do.

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