Archive for the Science Fiction Category

Super Fly

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Fly

As remakes go, 1986’s re-imagineering of The Fly (the original came out in 1958) ranks as one of sci-fi’s all time best. And not just because I said so. Ask the internet.

The Fly

Seth Brundle, scientist, invents a teleportation pod that can zap objects from one place to the other, just like the Transporter™ in Star Trek, but with more steam and wires.

The Fly

His first attempt to transport a baboon leaves him with a big inside-out monkey mess to clean up. His new girlfriend, who teaches him the ways of the flesh, inspires him to reprogram the machine to successfully deliver a biological life-form from the living room into, say, the kitchen for some celebratory snacks.

The Fly

Seth transports himself at the same time a housefly decides to give its wings a rest inside the mix master machine. The result is a sticky man-fly creature that is one of contemporary horror/sci-fi’s greatest experiments-gone-oops.

The Fly

Seth’s slow, exquisite, flesh-dripping transformation into a six-foot fly is something you’ll want to try yourself. In fact, I’m doing it as we speak. So from this point on refer to me as Super Fly.

Shark Happens

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharknado

The surprise hit Sharknado came out July 11, 2013 and, when aired on the SyFy™ Channel, spiked ratings and returns through the roof, enough so for someone with leftover lunch money to fund a sequel. Hence, the lazily titled Sharknado 2: The Second One, due for release on July 30, 2014.

Sharknado

Once word got out that Sharknado not only rained down tons of man-eaters via a weather-borne delivery system but tons of profit and the inevitable sequel, the internet community wasted no time coming up with their own shark/weather mash-ups – and fake Sharknado 2 movie posters as well. Sharknado’s movie producer douches should have paid attention; someone came up with the far superior Sharknado 2: Aftersharks. (I was gonna do it, but I was busy washing my hair.)

Sharknado

This got me using previously thought dead brain cells and cleverly deduced that there had to be more fan made shark movie art. A simple search yielded the results you see here. And looking over them, I think each of these fake movies should be made into a real movies.

Sharknado

There’s shark/volcanoes, shark/tsunamis, shark/avalanches… Pretty much every extreme weather/shark mash-up you could ever want. Sort of. Wondering why no one came up with Fog Sharks or Sharkwaves or Sharkphoon (sharks/typhoon). Consider those legally copyrighted as I’ll be writing the screenplays while eating a sandwich – about the same amount of time the script for Sharknado was written.

New Age Crystal Godzilla

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla

That butt-head Mothra. He gets a little Godzilla goo on him, flies into outer space and through a black hole, and when he comes out the other side, his backwash contrail fuses with a crystalline alien life-form and Biollante’s remaining spores. (See Godzilla Vs. Biollante/1989.) This entity grows into a giant crystal cocoon that heads to earth to do one thing: kill Godzilla, his estranged test tube father.

Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla

Once SpaceGodzilla arrives the military sends out Moguera (Mobile Operation Godzilla Universal Expert Robot Aero-type) to intercept. (Moguera looks a helluva lot like the alien space robot in The Mysterians/1957. I’m just sayin’.) SpaceGodzilla kicks Moguera’s tin ass as easily as if were an empty can of creamed corn.

Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla

A bunch of stuff happens, then Godzilla and his outer space counterpart eventually bash each other good, and while SpaceGodzilla looks to have the advantage, Moguera discovers a large nearby tower that’s been feeding SpaceGodzilla energy vinegar. Moguera knocks it down, thereby leveling the playing field for Godzilla to smack SpaceGodzilla right in the orbiting satellites. Whose your daddy now, b*tch?

Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla

SpaceGodzilla looks awesome with those huge ass crystals growing out of its shoulders. He also has a dark red belly and an energy mohawk. It’s like he’s Goth, punk and techno hip-hop at the same time. Godzilla doesn’t like Goth, punk or techno hip-hop, and emphasizes this by serving up a big bowl of f*ck off soup to those that do.

Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla

There’s a distracting sub-plot to Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla (1994) that involves Little Godzilla. Got five words for you – who cares?

Horror Down The Drain

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Drainiac

Something evil lives in the plumbing of a fixer-upper house. Is it a giant hair ball? Is it flushed leftovers? Is it special effects so cheap the producers had to resort to using mere water? (And not bottled, either.)

Drainiac

So, evil water lives in the plumbing of a drabby house needing a reach-around by Martha Stewart. A handful of teens are in this dump, cleaning and mopping and griping. But as the Holy Pine-sol™ works it’s cleansing magic, the water fights back – by getting everyone wet! 

Drainiac

Enter a parapsychologist who happens to be walking down the street and senses the liquid leviathan. He tells the teens that they have to wait until midnight to perform an exorcism. Once midnight strikes, he instructs everyone to lie around a pentagram (part of Martha’s Fall and Winter collection), and begins cussing out the invading spirit. The demon shows up and makes faces and gargles. Wind is blowing indoors – and you bet it’s hot air.

Drainiac

More yelling and screaming and the water is forced back into the gutter from whence it came. Somebody needs to go back to script writing school because the banter between the characters is way more ridiculous than the hokey demon entity.

Drainiac (2000) – yet ANOTHER wallet drainer. Really, I have only myself to blame.

Turtle vs. Tentacle

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gamera III: Revenge of Iris

Gam Gam’s new foe in this one is Iris, a morphing gasoline-powered sharp thing with extra-long tentacles and a battle cry that sounds like Free Willy with menstrual cramps.

Gamera III: Revenge of Iris

Making a boisterous comeback cameo are those pesky, carnivorous fruit flies Gyaos, with Gamera blasting ’em out of the sky with fireballs of righteousness. What’s cool is now he doesn’t give a crap about real estate or whiny Earth wieners, which he barbecues without shedding a single turtle tear.

Gamera III: Revenge of Iris

While this is happening, some chick with a vendetta (Gamera inadvertently collateral damaged her parents in Attack of Legion/1996) discovers the monster baby Iris in a cave and establishes a mental link to execute her PMS revenge.

Gamera III: Revenge of Iris

Iris grows to the size of the space shuttle and proceeds to raise shell with Gamera. The realistic destructo effects are dang awesome and thereby superific (my word, not Webster’s). You WILL believe full-scale office buildings are being knocked over as if they were mere balsa wood models. Don’t worry about following the plot as the movie is in some sort of weirdo language. (German, it is theorized.)

Gamera III: Revenge of Iris

In the end, Gamera saves the chick that was gunning for him. (Geez, what’s he gonna do next – send her Christmas cards?) Still, Gamera III: Revenge of Iris (1999) is great fun for those of us who regard giant turtle movies as such. And I do.

Eat The Fish That Eats You

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega Piranha

There’s a river in Venezuela that’s home to genetically mutated piranha – and they’re growing at an exponential rate and heading down stream to Florida. I didn’t know Florida was anywhere near Venezuela. Maybe it is. What the hell do I know? The relentlessly hungry fishies, now the size of submarines, are eating Naval destroyers and, once in Florida, will eat Naval oranges – and humans.

Mega Piranha

To get us to believe there’s some serious drama going on, a special  military agent with double muscles and ’80s pop princess Tiffany (too cool to have a last name) are sent in to make sure our orange crop doesn’t end up like so many battleships. They don’t quite know how to stop them, but I do: tartar sauce and a squeeze of mega lemon.

Mega Piranha

The giant piranha special effects are so substandard as to look like painted Nerf™ balls being thrown in front of the camera. And Greg Brady himself (of the special ops Brady Bunch squadron) appears as the muscle agent’s boss.

Mega Piranha

Not sure how Mega Piranha (2010) ended as I turned my attention to drying paint after seeing a piranha eat a hotel. Hotels.com is gonna hear about this.

Z-Grade Godzilla

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Reptilian

“This guy makes Godzilla look like a p*ssy!” shouts one army guy shooting his machine gun at an alien monster the size of Godzilla’s recycling bins.

Reptilian

Reptilian (1999), a Korean creation (Yonggary) ripped off by American filmmakers, looks a heckuva lot like the U.S. version of ’Zilla and has a lot of the same mannerisms and breath problems. Its bones discovered in the desert, Reptilian is unearthed by nefarious archeologists who, after deciphering hieroglyphics left by an alien race, have figured out an invasion is forthcoming – with a revived Reptilian clearing the road.

Reptilian

The climactic battle in New York is an almost scene-by-scene lift from Godzilla ’98, with the military causing most of the downtown damage by missing(!) the 40-story reptile with their warheads.

Reptilian

While the destruction is impressive and the effects “meh” passable, it’s the unintentionally hilarious (and embarrassing) dialogue (see first sentence)  that’ll destroy your funnybone. Army guys buzzing Reptilian with jet packs strapped to their backs (human bottle rockets) is right up there with the Battlestar Galactica-esque aliens looking like they were glued together as if made from a modeling kit.

Leave Reptilian buried in the dirt – it’s where he belongs.

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