Archive for the Science Fiction Category

Putting Science In A Mexican Headlock

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Doctor of Doom

If you’re gonna go to all that trouble to become a scientist, you may as well hit the gas and turn into a mad one. Be all you can be.

Doctor of Doom

And like all mad scientists, at the top the Doc’s “things to transplant today” list is taking the brains from young women and putting them in different fruit baskets. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

Doctor of Doom

While it would be another two decades before Dr. Moreau would perfect this technique, the mad medical man employs a half-man/half gorilla upgrade named Gomar (cool name) to help him procure the brains of women pro wrestlers, the reasoning being that pro wrestler brains are smarter. (The regular chick brains were deemed too dumb, which is why the experiments always ended in death by dying.)

Doctor of Doom

As intellectually superior as the Doc is, he probably shouldn’t have used the brains of one of the women wrestler’s sister. I feel a pay-per-view coming on. While we’re not privy to exposed particulate matter and head gunk, we do get to see the lady wrestlers in pajamas and nighties fend off kidnapping attempts. I felt this was necessary to the plot.

Doctor of Doom

Doctor of Doom/1962 (aka, The Wrestling Women vs. the Murderous Doctor), is another whiz bang chapter in the exciting sci-fi/horror/pro wrestling genre pioneered by Santo (aka, El Santo, aka The Saint), Mexico’s lucha libre savior/superhero from the day he was born in 1917 until he assumed his place on Mt. Olympus in 1984.

Doctor of Doom

I’d totally go out with a female pro wrestler, because I’m attracted to chicks with brains that are enriched with smart ingredients.

Don’t Stand For Evil

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on July 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Stand

At 366 minutes, The Stand (1994), and overlong apocalyptic tale, pits the ultimate bad (the devil wears Levis™) and his posse against the ultimate good (old woman who makes cookies).

The Stand

After a virus gets past the sneeze guard and takes out 99.9% of the world’s population, you’d think things as a survivor would be sweet, what with not having to go to work, fighting rush-hour traffic and rocking out ALL the time. Not so, as those who hook up with the Dark Side are holed up in Vegas (if I was evil, that’s where I’d put my hole), hell bent on wrecking the lives of the Good Side, who recon in Boulder, CO.

The Stand

Based on the equally babble-on Stephen King novel (1,200 pages), The Stand has so many main characters and blah, blah, blahs so much, you just want to shoot your TV in the face. And all the big build up to the promised mega throwdown came across as nothing more than a fart in a wind tunnel. My refrigerator is more evil than Randall Flagg, the jeans-wearing, mullet-sporting King of All Evil guy.

I hope you won’t stand for The Stand. You may sit, perhaps.

The Stand

Dino-Sores

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 2, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Land Unknown

In an attempt to map the Antarctic so future people can make more accurate classroom world globes, an arriving Naval expedition deploys a scout copter with three military dudes and a supermodel journalist to fly miles and miles over nothin’ but ice and freezing wind. Good idea.

The Land Unknown

Before you can say “that wasn’t a good idea,” the copter is forced out of the sky 3,000 feet below sea level by super dense fog. Either they entered into another dimension or there’s a big hole in the Antarctic. I have another theory that involves Langoliers, but need to do more research.

The Land Unknown

Up top it’s 40 below. Down there it’s 100 degrees and 100% humidity. The copter, slightly damaged after a mid-air collision with a giant flying reptile, can’t go anywhere without a straight rod to replace a bent one. That rule applies to a lot of things.

The Land Unknown

Beneath the Antarctic is a prehistoric world filled with bus-sized lizards, three or more Loch Ness monsters, a woman-eating octopus plant and a hungry T-rex taking a break from his busy schedule to have brunch. There’s also a lone survivor of a previous expedition whose been trapped in the steamy jungle for 10 years. You know what he wants more than to be rescued? The answer is changing out of her sweaty blouse.

The Land Unknown

After a bad first impression, it is discovered his plane wreckage might have the exact part they need to fix the copter. Obtaining it, though, is another issue as hermit wants woman. A trade is thrown on the table. Good lookin’ gal, but I don’t do well in 100% humidity and would make the swap in a hot second. Points and counterpoints ensue while giant monsters pursue.

The Land Unknown

The Land Unknown (1957) is full of big beasts, a bit of drama, stock war footage, and a rather nifty battle between one of the Loch Ness monsters and the helicopter. But it’s the last 60 seconds of dialogue that will give you “Wha?” face. It’s that good.

Intergalactic Relations

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

It Came From Outer Space

A honkingly large meteor crashed in the Arizona desert and John Carlson, an amateur astronomer, saw it, man. And because he’s not a pro, no one believes him (I do) when he tells everyone (me) that it’s actually a spaceship (it is).

It Came From Outer Space’s

A craptacular luck would have it, a bunch of dirt covered the craft when John went to investigate, and almost got himself a complimentary burial plot. (Those things can be expensive.)

It Came From Outer Space’s

One of the aliens inside the galactic taxi gets out and photocopies other humans to help fix the ship (minimum wage, of course) and get off this toilet Earth. John is able to communicate with it (extended middle finger indicates “peace, space brother”) and tries talking sense into its one eye.

It Came From Outer Space’s

Since the local sheriff is a dork and hates John because the hot local school teacher Ellen Fields is hot for John and not him, he saucerblocks all over the place. When John proves those are for real aliens, everybody wants to shoot ’em. If someone photocopied me, I’d feel similar.

It Came From Outer Space’s

All of this leads up to It Came From Outer Space’s (1953) disappointing climax that has John talking the aliens out of disintegrating Earth humans. Thanks for nothing, John. Because he resolved this interstellar crisis without bloodshed, however, everybody now likes him and Ellen gets even more hot for John.

I need to impress chicks by discovering more aliens.

Frozen Tornadoes

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ice Twisters

Ice Twisters (2009), an unhappy story of weather gone wild, is built on a premise of drought in the Pacific Northwest, with scientists not only artificially creating clouds, but seeding them to create rain. (Note to b*tt-hole scientists: I live in the Pacific Northwest; do NOT seed my f’n clouds. I don’t want science rain getting on my hair.)

Ice Twisters

Once primed with silver oxide these babies form a mega-storm cell, creating a phenomenon known as “vertical weather.” For those without a meteorological degree (everybody except me), that’s like turning your rump horizontally and farting super hard.

Ice Twisters

This condition actually sucks bad weather out of the stratosphere and delivers it in the form of extreme temperature drops and tornadoes that fling ice pellets around like a spraying machine gun. I know what you’re thinking – unless they’re made out of lead, umbrellas are useless. A man-made mega storm is headed straight for Portland, Oregon, spawning icy tornados that stand still, twirling and twirling in a spinning dance of doom.

Ice Twisters

Ice Twisters is a leap in science conjecture, not allowing any room for substantive evidence or proven weather-halting methods, like Superman or Jesus. The visual effects wouldn’t cut it in a Mario Bros. video game and the tornadoes barely interrupt Portland’s rush-hour traffic. And who is gonna fix the ozone after they’re done? If they don’t, we may as well just throw out a welcome mat for any passing space monster.

Pull My Sixth Finger

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Legend of Six Fingers

Either Bigfoot has a cousin with only six fingers – a result of unchecked in-breeding – or there’s a new species of cryptid that makes boom boom in the woods.

The Legend of Six Fingers

Enter Six Fingers, a bipedal creature so named as it has three claws on each hand. And because such a monster screams to be the star of an indie horror movie and/or t-shirt, you’ll no doubt become pregnant with excitement for The Legend of Six Fingers, arriving June 24, 2014.

The Legend of Six Fingers

Here’s the facts as the internet knows ’em: “Two filmmakers, Neil and Andrew, set out to make a documentary about a rash of domestic animal slaughters. After interviewing several local residents, the filmmakers learn about the Native American legend of Ya Yahk Osnuhsa (Six Fingers). Believing Six Fingers is responsible for the slayings, they embark on a terrifying journey to learn the truth.”

The Outer Limits: The Sixth Finger

Because I know these things, there was a multi-digit creature decades before Ya Yahk Osnuhsa. I’m referring, of course, to The Sixth Finger, an evolutionary accelerated man-creature in a 1963 episode of The Outer Limits. This guy was created in a Pine-Sol™ freshened lab. Six Fingers was born of the stink forest. Six guesses as to who makes boom boom in the woods.

Post-Apocalyptic Punks

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , on June 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Teenage Caveman

The title Teenage Caveman (2002) gives you no indication of the rampant nudity, drug use, boozin’ and intestinal splattin’ inside. It’s a post-apocalyptic orgy with many boobs – naked ones, too.

Teenage Caveman

Thrown out of his cave condo for killing the tribal leader (his dad), a teenager and his posse head out into the war-destroyed world where they eventually come across Seattle and see the town in ruins. Note: This is too weird, but from their vantage point overlooking the city is exactly where I live. I would like to emphatically state that I do NOT want a caveman – or cave anthing – running around my back yard.

Teenage Caveman

That firmly declared, a nuclear-looking special effects storm cloud sweeps over the teens and they’re rescued by some future teens all hooped up on goofers. They take ’em back to their apartment and teach them how to drink, do drugs and experience sex for the first time. Problem is, once you do it with the future guy, your body goes into convulsions and you split open like a sun-ripened melon.

Teenage Caveman

The only time anyone goes caveman is when the drugs take hold and the face gets all distorted as if giving breach birth to an oversized stool. That doesn’t goon me out. Them running around my town in the future does. P.S. This movie should not be confused with the other Teenage Caveman movie, which came out in 1958. They didn’t show bare boobs in that one. Apparently, they hadn’t evolved far enough yet.

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 80 other followers