Archive for the Science Fiction Category

Vacationing Snakes

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snake Island

Stranded on Snake Island, so named because of, you know, a bunch of African Safari tourists hole up in Snake Island Lodge, drink Jim Beam™ as though it were bottled water, and fend off hundreds of snakes.

Snake Island

Snake Island must be a cool place to vacation if you’re a reptile as there are a ton of snakes not indigenous to that part of the world that make appearances. If the scenes of snakes dancing during a house music drinking party doesn’t make you kill your TV, then the explicitly non-graphic attack scenarios will.

Snake Island

Some snakes are real. Some are digital. Some are puppets. All are stupid. Like me for watching Snake Island (2003).

Snake Island

Pyrotechnic Lizards

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on September 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Reign of Fire

While drilling for more dirt to add to London’s already filthy streets, a work crew happens upon a dragon den. Rudely awoken from its pleasant dreams of terror, the dragon proceeds to barbecue everything not already on fire. This sets into motion the Age of Death Stuff From Above as the dragons (or as I call ’em, “Pyrotiles”) proliferate faster than the fire department can put on their boots.

Reign of Fire

After two decades of dragon global warming, only a handful of survivors in the world are left, living in their own filth and trying to grow crops in-between attacks. Along comes an American military convoy tracking the Pyrotiles. (See? Fits nicely!) They kill them by parachuting out of a helicopter (these thrill freaks are referred to as “Arc Angels”—I call ’em “Skykill”) and shooting nets over their flapping wing area.

Reign of Fire

It’s discovered that all the dragons are females and they keep laying eggs, which beget more dragons. But there’s only one male who fertilizes the eggs by flying over and spraying some sort of fertilizer on ’em. Efficient, yes, but where’s the romance in that?

Reign of Fire

The male dragon is about 100 times larger than all the chick dragons, which means killing him is gonna be harder than finding a place to bathe. If the plan doesn’t go as planned, the dragon will get supremely pissed and breathe more fire than a million KISS concerts, turning the remaining human beings into patty melts.

Reign of Fire

Good thing they used real dragons in Reign of Fire (2002) or it would’ve totally sucked and looked fake.

The Light, The Dark, The Radioactive Cow

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 6, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night Watch

The forces of Dark battle the do-gooding p*ssies of Light. This is exactly what the ancient prophecies warned us about, even going so far as to even use the word “p*ssies” in the script. What are they fighting about? Hell if I know; this Russian fantasy sci-fi movie made about as much sense as borscht, which I believe is either motherland soup or some sort of radioactive cow.

Night Watch

The Night Watch are patrollers with superhuman abilities, not unlike a radioactive cow. Their job is to keep the Others, who are vampires – but not with capes or fangs – out of their business. Apparently, both sides are equally balanced. Tip the balance and whichever side it leans to, wins everything.

Night Watch

So Geser, the Lord of Light has a sit down with Zabulon, General of the Dark, and a truce is suggested. If each side is equally matched, they’ll both destroy themselves. Cool for me, not cool for them. So while they wait for the coming of The Great One (see Day Watch) who will decide which teams wins everything, they gotta chill. Of course, they don’t, and humanity is caught in the middle.

Night WatchEven though most of Night Watch (2004) went over my head, this is a highly imaginative something or rather with wild characters and radioactive cows. One part of that sentence is wrong.

Shafted By The Shaft

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Shaft

What’s more believable – a freak lightning storm doing a Frankenstein number on the bio-mechanical computer chips that control elevators in a 100 story New York skyscraper, thereby bringing ’em to life, or that I actually paid money to rent this movie? Don’t answer that. I mean it.

The Shaft

One would logically assume killer elevators would have but one method for killer-ing people: bottom floor – everyone out. But credit where credit is due, these possessed elevators chop off heads, sever torsos, suck people in at the bottom floor and zoom up 91 floors in two seconds and spit ’em off the observation deck, and have the floor break away, thereby letting people fall down the shaft like so many shrieking snowflakes.

The Shaft

The dumb part (ahem) is to dress it up in a muddled conspiracy involving bio-engineering, government cover-ups, a crooked elevator company owner and a persistent news reporter (Naomi Watts), who suspects SOMETHING IS WRONG.

The Shaft

The Millennium Building (actually the Empire State Building, but King Kong holds the copyright on that) is thought to be a terrorist target. So the military moves in. A “save-the-day” elevator repairman sneaks in, steals a Stinger (an Army weapon, not something sticking out of a bumblebee’s butt) to shoot the elevator right in the down button.

And to think how much more enjoyable The Shaft (2001) would’ve been had they just chalked it all up to Satan. Aptly titled – I definitely got the shaft on this one.

A Monstrously Bad Monster

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on August 29, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster

Monster (2008) is a Cloverfield (2008) knock-off so unbelievably bad, how anyone could claim writer’s credit for this pile of film droppings is more unbelievable. Hell, it’s not even good enough to be a rip-off.

Two American girls doing a hand-held camera documentary on global warming go to Japan to get their take on the whole pollution myth. While fumbling through an interview with the Minister of Garbage (great job title), a 7.5 earthquake rattles everyone’s teeth. Then another and another. An ominous roar is heard reverberating throughout the city and you hear (but don’t see) any buildings being destroyed, or more than three or four people in a city of eight million running for their lives.

Monster

This is the first 15 minutes. The rest of Monster is spent with the sisters trading the camera back and forth and crying, whining and checking their makeup. When the monster does show up (wiggling its patently fake rubber legs – less than 30 seconds total on-screen time), it’s so horribly pathetic, you wanna kill your TV.

Monster

The DVD cover promised a 200-foot multi-tentacled creature flipping buildings over. This does not happen. What does happen is you get extremely pissed for having wasted $3.99 on something that looked like it was made by a sixth-grader. (Note to six-graders: Sorry about that, but you’ll get your turn.)

Alien Baseball Mitt

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Meatball Machine

An alien baseball mitt with tentacles needs someone with raging emotions to activate it. Enter Sachicko, a fetching young gal who is the target of date rapers and a daughter-beating father. Seething with unexpressed explosion anger, the alien encases her in wicked body armor and steers her boat via the host’s nervous system.

Meatball Machine

Sachiko is now a Necroborg and has veins on the outside of her face. All messed up and nowhere to go, except we learn the alien life forms have come to Earth to inhabit our bodies then engage in battle with each other. The loser gets eaten alive. In other words, they’re using us as part of a gaming battle ritual. Double not cool, alien baseball mitts.

Meatball Machine

Necro-Sachiko and Yoji, a would-be suitor back when body parts looked like stuff you’d see in JCPenney™ catalogs and also alien infected, fight it out. But Yoji can’t bring himself to eat his would’a-been girlfriend, so thanks to a bomb he swallowed earlier, he now has the upper tentacle on the alien inside his body. (This Japanese gore rodeo is kinda hard to follow what with people growing new mechanical limbs and/or eaten alive.)

Meatball Machine

The gore and effects in the descriptively titled Meatball Machine (2005) are choco-extreme, as are the Necroborgs and their power drill super arms. Blood and gunk spray everywhere as if being used as an air freshener. I feel sorry for Yoji having to drill his lady, but that b*tch would’ve been a serious and literal pain in the ass. Couldn’t tell who came out ahead on this one, though, as it’s that splattery.

Heaven and Hell Street Fight

Posted in Fantasy, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 26, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gabriel

God sends his bestest warriors to Purgatory, a sort of lobby between Heaven and Hell, to purge the place of the Fallen, Hell’s bestest warriors, who’ve taken over operations. (Say what you will about those a-holes, but they do good work.) Purgatory, filled with souls that need rescuing, looks a lot like L.A., but in perpetual darkness, grittier, grimier, slimier, and crimier. But less smog.

Gabriel

All out of Arc Angels, God (whom you don’t get to see, probably because He’s invisible in real life), sends Gabriel to finish the job the previous six AA’s failed to do. They also failed to come back. Each side has seven angels, because the deal is there’s supposed to be balance. It’s hardly equal – Hell is beating the hell out of Heaven.

Gabriel arrives via a swirly tunnel that looks cool if you were drunk and sliding through it. If you’re sober, you’ll probably end up puking. All over puking, not just a cheek full.

Gabriel

Gabe finds all the angels, all of whom are drunks, druggies, hookers and soup kitchen assistant managers. Guess the Good Book wasn’t good enough. Gabe has to re-recruit the angels so they can gang up on Sammael, the head of the Fallen and the one who caused all the nice angels to de-wing.

Gabriel

A few heavenly moments, some interesting positioning (Asmodeus, Sammael’s crazy evil head of security, racks up a lot of points for killing everything), and low-rent special effects. (OK, I get that bright lights means God’s working His magic skills. But every time?)

All this blah-blah leads up to the final confrontation between Gabriel and Sammael. If you know your Bible’s back pages (where the really good stuff goes down), you’ll have already figured out who Sammael is. And no, he isn’t red and doesn’t make fire shoot out of your b-hole.

Gabriel

Slick and stylish, Gabriel (2007) could’ve used a better title, like God Hates Me, I Just Know It. There also needed to be fewer characters with confusing religious names. (Amitiel, Amitiel, Molloch, Remiel…sounds like God’s Mouseketeers.)

Still, Gabriel is a noble effort, though they went through a helluva lot of trouble just to have a fist-fight on a roof top ending.

Gabriel

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