Archive for the Science Fiction Category

This Shark Is The Bomb

Posted in Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Atomic Shark

It used to be we were justifiably afraid of sharks, what with their emotionless biting off of limbs and/or employable extremities. Now that our ferocious friends of the foamy sea have been tornado’d, tomato’d, super-sized and mechanized, the continuously-mocked apex predator has been relegated to a one punch line cinematic joke. Shame on everyone except me.

And the knee-slapping continues with the impending Atomic Shark (coming 2014), wherein a terrorist and a biologist devise a device that makes great white sharks attack a variety of anything. As if sharks ever need an excuse to chew you out.

To add some padding to the plot, criminal humans attach bombs to the sharks, kinda like what the Navy’s been doing with delicious dolphins for decades now. The terrorist’s target? A nuclear sub that, once bitten by a shark that thinks it’s a heavy metal hot dog, would explode and smear everyone except me in a cloud of radioactive hair product.

I’ll say this about Atomic Shark, though – at least they didn’t turn the hapless eating machine into a comedy act hybrid, ala Sand Sharks, Sharktopus, Ghost Shark, Snow Shark, Psycho Shark, Avalanche Sharks, etc., etc., etc. Why can’t we pick on oysters for a change?

The Atomic Sharks

P.S. Do not confuse this movie with The Atomic Sharks, the educational kid’s music  ukulele duo comprised of Kris Hensler and Kenny Taylor, both of whom still have employable extremities.

Extraterrestrials vs. Over-Priced Psychiatry

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Fourth Kind

If you live in Nome, Alaska and turn up missing, chances are you got drunk and lost in the woods and eaten by a bear. Or you were abducted by extraterrestrials. I’m split down the middle on this one, mostly due to the alleged true events The Fourth Kind (2009) proposes.

The Fourth Kind

Reportedly using actual archival video interview footage of psychologist Dr. Abigail Tyler, whose distraught patients are being visited nightly by an owl (not a real one, but probably evil all the same), we’re led to conclude aliens are probing for something more than oil deep within their personal tundra.

The Fourth Kind

And the recollection of which is so horrifying, they suppress it, thereby causing paranoid schizophrenia. This results in messed up sheets, vomiting towards the floor, and levitating from one’s bed. Might as well throw suicide into the mix as well.

The Fourth Kind

Dr. Tyler has a bunch of patients experiencing the same nightmare. The local sheriff wants Tyler to stop stirring up the bees in people’s heads, as it’s making them freak out even more. But Tyler has her own bees to deal with – a short while back her husband was murdered in the bed next to her, the trauma of which left her young daughter blind and her son full of rage unexpressed rage. (He’ll be OK once someone buys him a toy, something in the $30 price range.)

The Fourth Kind

A clue as to WTF in the form of a tape played back after she fell asleep reveals that while she was screaming her freakin’ head off, another voice – using ancient Sumarian – spoke and did “things” to her body. I’m overflowing with theories.

The Fourth Kind

Up front they tell you they’re portraying a reenactment, mixing footage together split-screen style (pioneered by the 1973 sorta horror movie, Wicked, Wicked.)This is kind of cool and gives the movie a nice creepy “real” feel, but the story unravels to the point where you’re not sure if it really was aliens doing the dirty work, or just a smokescreen for bigger issues, like bears eating drunks lost in the woods. Like I said, split down the middle.

 

Putting Science In A Mexican Headlock

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Doctor of Doom

If you’re gonna go to all that trouble to become a scientist, you may as well hit the gas and turn into a mad one. Be all you can be.

Doctor of Doom

And like all mad scientists, at the top the Doc’s “things to transplant today” list is taking the brains from young women and putting them in different fruit baskets. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

Doctor of Doom

While it would be another two decades before Dr. Moreau would perfect this technique, the mad medical man employs a half-man/half gorilla upgrade named Gomar (cool name) to help him procure the brains of women pro wrestlers, the reasoning being that pro wrestler brains are smarter. (The regular chick brains were deemed too dumb, which is why the experiments always ended in death by dying.)

Doctor of Doom

As intellectually superior as the Doc is, he probably shouldn’t have used the brains of one of the women wrestler’s sister. I feel a pay-per-view coming on. While we’re not privy to exposed particulate matter and head gunk, we do get to see the lady wrestlers in pajamas and nighties fend off kidnapping attempts. I felt this was necessary to the plot.

Doctor of Doom

Doctor of Doom/1962 (aka, The Wrestling Women vs. the Murderous Doctor), is another whiz bang chapter in the exciting sci-fi/horror/pro wrestling genre pioneered by Santo (aka, El Santo, aka The Saint), Mexico’s lucha libre savior/superhero from the day he was born in 1917 until he assumed his place on Mt. Olympus in 1984.

Doctor of Doom

I’d totally go out with a female pro wrestler, because I’m attracted to chicks with brains that are enriched with smart ingredients.

Don’t Stand For Evil

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on July 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Stand

At 366 minutes, The Stand (1994), and overlong apocalyptic tale, pits the ultimate bad (the devil wears Levis™) and his posse against the ultimate good (old woman who makes cookies).

The Stand

After a virus gets past the sneeze guard and takes out 99.9% of the world’s population, you’d think things as a survivor would be sweet, what with not having to go to work, fighting rush-hour traffic and rocking out ALL the time. Not so, as those who hook up with the Dark Side are holed up in Vegas (if I was evil, that’s where I’d put my hole), hell bent on wrecking the lives of the Good Side, who recon in Boulder, CO.

The Stand

Based on the equally babble-on Stephen King novel (1,200 pages), The Stand has so many main characters and blah, blah, blahs so much, you just want to shoot your TV in the face. And all the big build up to the promised mega throwdown came across as nothing more than a fart in a wind tunnel. My refrigerator is more evil than Randall Flagg, the jeans-wearing, mullet-sporting King of All Evil guy.

I hope you won’t stand for The Stand. You may sit, perhaps.

The Stand

Dino-Sores

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 2, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Land Unknown

In an attempt to map the Antarctic so future people can make more accurate classroom world globes, an arriving Naval expedition deploys a scout copter with three military dudes and a supermodel journalist to fly miles and miles over nothin’ but ice and freezing wind. Good idea.

The Land Unknown

Before you can say “that wasn’t a good idea,” the copter is forced out of the sky 3,000 feet below sea level by super dense fog. Either they entered into another dimension or there’s a big hole in the Antarctic. I have another theory that involves Langoliers, but need to do more research.

The Land Unknown

Up top it’s 40 below. Down there it’s 100 degrees and 100% humidity. The copter, slightly damaged after a mid-air collision with a giant flying reptile, can’t go anywhere without a straight rod to replace a bent one. That rule applies to a lot of things.

The Land Unknown

Beneath the Antarctic is a prehistoric world filled with bus-sized lizards, three or more Loch Ness monsters, a woman-eating octopus plant and a hungry T-rex taking a break from his busy schedule to have brunch. There’s also a lone survivor of a previous expedition whose been trapped in the steamy jungle for 10 years. You know what he wants more than to be rescued? The answer is changing out of her sweaty blouse.

The Land Unknown

After a bad first impression, it is discovered his plane wreckage might have the exact part they need to fix the copter. Obtaining it, though, is another issue as hermit wants woman. A trade is thrown on the table. Good lookin’ gal, but I don’t do well in 100% humidity and would make the swap in a hot second. Points and counterpoints ensue while giant monsters pursue.

The Land Unknown

The Land Unknown (1957) is full of big beasts, a bit of drama, stock war footage, and a rather nifty battle between one of the Loch Ness monsters and the helicopter. But it’s the last 60 seconds of dialogue that will give you “Wha?” face. It’s that good.

Intergalactic Relations

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

It Came From Outer Space

A honkingly large meteor crashed in the Arizona desert and John Carlson, an amateur astronomer, saw it, man. And because he’s not a pro, no one believes him (I do) when he tells everyone (me) that it’s actually a spaceship (it is).

It Came From Outer Space’s

A craptacular luck would have it, a bunch of dirt covered the craft when John went to investigate, and almost got himself a complimentary burial plot. (Those things can be expensive.)

It Came From Outer Space’s

One of the aliens inside the galactic taxi gets out and photocopies other humans to help fix the ship (minimum wage, of course) and get off this toilet Earth. John is able to communicate with it (extended middle finger indicates “peace, space brother”) and tries talking sense into its one eye.

It Came From Outer Space’s

Since the local sheriff is a dork and hates John because the hot local school teacher Ellen Fields is hot for John and not him, he saucerblocks all over the place. When John proves those are for real aliens, everybody wants to shoot ’em. If someone photocopied me, I’d feel similar.

It Came From Outer Space’s

All of this leads up to It Came From Outer Space’s (1953) disappointing climax that has John talking the aliens out of disintegrating Earth humans. Thanks for nothing, John. Because he resolved this interstellar crisis without bloodshed, however, everybody now likes him and Ellen gets even more hot for John.

I need to impress chicks by discovering more aliens.

Frozen Tornadoes

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ice Twisters

Ice Twisters (2009), an unhappy story of weather gone wild, is built on a premise of drought in the Pacific Northwest, with scientists not only artificially creating clouds, but seeding them to create rain. (Note to b*tt-hole scientists: I live in the Pacific Northwest; do NOT seed my f’n clouds. I don’t want science rain getting on my hair.)

Ice Twisters

Once primed with silver oxide these babies form a mega-storm cell, creating a phenomenon known as “vertical weather.” For those without a meteorological degree (everybody except me), that’s like turning your rump horizontally and farting super hard.

Ice Twisters

This condition actually sucks bad weather out of the stratosphere and delivers it in the form of extreme temperature drops and tornadoes that fling ice pellets around like a spraying machine gun. I know what you’re thinking – unless they’re made out of lead, umbrellas are useless. A man-made mega storm is headed straight for Portland, Oregon, spawning icy tornados that stand still, twirling and twirling in a spinning dance of doom.

Ice Twisters

Ice Twisters is a leap in science conjecture, not allowing any room for substantive evidence or proven weather-halting methods, like Superman or Jesus. The visual effects wouldn’t cut it in a Mario Bros. video game and the tornadoes barely interrupt Portland’s rush-hour traffic. And who is gonna fix the ozone after they’re done? If they don’t, we may as well just throw out a welcome mat for any passing space monster.

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