Sex Medusa

Sex Medusa is a sexy Asian horror movie released in 2001 that has more sex than horror. I find that to be perfectly acceptable under the circumstances.

Wandering around the underground sewage waterways of Hong Kong, a team of biologists in haz-mat suits and flame-throwers discover a pile of basketball-sized eggs. They burn ’em all instead of studying or eating them. Too late – one has hatched and has come up through the sewer as a giant snake, which instantly turns into a nude Asian hottie.

At night, she wanders the city streets unclothed and unnoticed(!), finding a comfortable alley and some cushion-y garbage to sleep on. The next morning she’s discovered by a retired wealthy guy who takes her in because he doesn’t have a wife. (He ran her and her cat over in his car while stinkingly drunk.) He wants to have sex with this naked chick but he can no longer become “as bamboo” due to the psychological damage he suffered from plowing into his wife at 50 mph.

They eventually bump uglies, he knocks her up (which was her plan), all the while loan sharks are coming for him due to unpaid gambling debts. But his supermodel assistant has figured out who and what Shit Fong really is. (That’s Snake Woman’s human name in the movie. That’s gonna make me think twice about going to a Japanese restaurant from this point until FOREVER.)

The finale, complete with animated cartoon snakes wiggling on Shit Fong’s head, is horrendously lousy and will no doubt cause great shame to those that watch it. Including myself.

Stuff that equals cool: Shit Fong is naked a lot of the time. Not cool: Her name. Cool: She has non-committal sex. Not cool: It’s all PG-rated action. Cool: She eats eggs whole and sucks on dead chickens. Not cool: The eggs and chickens weren’t cooked.