Below Zero – A Hack Job

God lives in the old refrigerator at the dump. You can’t miss it – it’s the one with the door still attached.

In the new horror thriller Below Zero, a screenwriter suffering from a bad case of writer’s block (it’s like mind butt itch, but not as itchy), locks himself in a freezer of an abandoned slaughterhouse to cure his mental handicap. And he’s about to meet God there as well.

While most writer’s would go to the library, seek therapy, take drugs or drink heavily to clear the word stoppage, Jack thinks that there’s too much distraction (like drugs and drinking) keeping him from hitting a crucial deadline. So into the meat locker he goes to write. Slight problem with that plan – there’s a killer in the slaughterhouse who chops up bodies into incomprehensible piles of skin and bones. Sounds like an editor.

Below Zero promises to “take viewers in and out of Jack’s screenplay and his psyche, where fiction and reality blur.” Pffft – beer can do that, too. You just have to let it.

Below Zero stars genre icon Michael Berryman, who looks so brilliantly freakish, he doesn’t need a makeover or even a little blush and eyeliner to bring out his murderous features. (According to his profile, Berryman suffers from hypohidrotic ectodermal dysplasia, a rare genetic condition which prevents him from developing hair, sweat glands or fingernails, and was born with 26 birth defects.) Despite all of this, Berryman has gone on to star in 35 movies, including the career-making The Hills Have Eyes (1977). So to all you aspiring actors and actresses who think they have body flaws – embrace it, you p*ssies.

Below Zero has already won over a dozen independent awards, including “Best Use of a Hacksaw on Human Flesh.” OK, that’s not true – that distinction goes to The Sound of Music/1965.